Blog

in the beginning, there was a lack of a shift key.

please forgive the lowercase letters. i sometimes feel the need to just abandon all capitalization. it's to retaliate for all those morons who use all caps.

or, it's laziness.

Online Scrabble trumps actual Scrabble for the following reasons:

1. It calculates your score for you, eliminating the need for basic math skills.

2. You get better letter tiles.

3. It's way, way easier to cheat. Way easier.

4. Built-in dictionary, or, as I call it "The Bullshit Cromulent Detector."

You don't really have to have a good vocabulary to play Scrabble. You'd be surprised how many points you can get out of simple words like "penis" and "vagina".

Are the spammers reading my diary now, too? They sure know the three magic words to get me to click through: "Big. Penis. Colon." Clicky click

"Ohio isn't the best state in the whole world, but it's not as bad as some. It COULD be West Virginia, you know. Or, God forbid, Arkansas."

"You're right... you could be living in... FLORIDA! ICK!"

"See?"

"We should probably devise a list of states that we could get rid of at any time to make room for Puerto Rico."

"You're right. Like a roster."

"Exactly. A 'Second String States' roster."

"States that are just riding the bench."

"Yeah. States that could be cut from the team at any time."

"Put Indiana right there at the top. And Iowa. Oh, and the fucking Dakotas."

"Let us not forget Nebraska. There's nothing there, anyhow."

"But we must never forget that the real news is on local TV, delivered by real officially licensed newsmen like me, Kent Brockman. Coming up, how DO they get those dogs to talk on the beer commercials? Cowboy Steve will tell you!"

"I'm Kent Brockman, on the eleven o'clock news tonight: A certain type of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Sunny Storm."

For the future, no one send me this shit. I'm only answering the questions I have jokes for.

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?

Everywhere.

22. FAVORITE HOBBY?

Sam. No, Frodo. No, wait, the other two. The less whiny ones. Also, you spelled hobbit wrong.

30. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

Probably not me.

31. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

Didn't you just read #30? Jesus, you are one dumb bastard.

33. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?

Hey, what the hell happened to #32? Can't you count?

34. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Don't toy with me, I want to know why these questions are all misnumbered!

35. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?

Listen, I don't want to play Boggle with you. You apparently can't count, and no one wants to be stuck partnered with an illiterate douchebag during Yahtzee.

WW)))))))OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I wasn't drunk when I lefts the bar, but I'm drunk now, muthafuckas! HOOOORAY!!!!!!

my eye itches like eyeshadow

Okay, I bork\

whoops

i'm abandoning all captiols. capitols take too long

i want to get fit.

wow. i should porlly stop drinking now. hmm. i could stop[ drinking and go do bed, or i could stop drinking and go to bed. wait...

i have to pee

Hey, Bob? @y-miscellaneous different numbers-.com?

I'M SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF YOU SPAMMING MY WEBSITES AND MT BLACKLIST NOT CATCHING IT.

Find someone else's blogs to infiltrate with online casino ads. YOU BASTARD!!

Emails on the subject --

To: Me
From: Shawn
1) She blames it on acid reflux disease
2) "My dad was like "I'm sorry, you have to sing along with the backing track".
3) Blames it on her band
4) Her dad claims every artist in America lip syncs

Oh my god we have been talking about this all day. Studying tape,
formulating theories, etc.

I hope she goes down for this one. And what was that dance she was
trying to do?! You can't even DANCE?! Dating boys is not a talent!!

To: Shawn
From: Me

My favorite parts of this email:

1. You have been talking about Ashlee Simpson all day.

2. You have been re-watching the Ashlee Simpson SNL performance to "formulate theories."

3. You hope Ashlee Simpson "goes down."

The same guy that directed "Mork and Mindy" also directed "Bosom Buddies" and "Perfect Strangers."

Ahhh, internet. You are a wealth of useless information to feed the needless intellect.

Leet-speak article:

Rules of grammar are rarely obeyed. Some leetspeekers will capitalize every letter except for vowels (LiKe THiS) and otherwise reject conventional English style and grammar, or drop vowels from words (such as converting very to "vry").

Mistakes are often left uncorrected. Common typing misspellings (typos) such as "teh" instead of "the" are left uncorrected and may be adopted to replace the correct spelling altogether.

In other words, Parents: Your children are slowly becoming more and more retarded.

Typical email exchange between my brother and I. In this one, he's thanking me for the $100 I sent him for Christmas.

Me:

Dear Brother,

This money is for booze. AND BOOZE ONLY!

Him:

thanks for the card and the money, it should provide me at least a couple days worth of entertainment at the bar up here over spring break next week.

Me:

Oh good. Because I stole your drum machine last week.

Me: I just found out that Star Wars III comes out two weeks after Hitchhiker's. This depresses me.

Her: If it leaves theaters before I get to see it, I'll be very much put out. Also, I'm planning on bringing a towel to the theater. 'Cos you never know.

Me: I kind of want to go to the theater on May 19th just to see Hitchhiker's and to punch some of the people who will be dressed up as Jedis. Or snap them with my towel. Whatever.

Her: I have to see Ep III at the theater because I have seen EVERY STAR WARS as a first-run at the theater and I hate to break the chain.

Me: I should totally make a terry cloth messenger bag with a Hitchhiker's logo screen printed on the corner. That way you don't necessarily have to carry a towel around anymore... the bag will be the towel. Normalcy! And Geekery! The twain shall meet!

Her: If you put the words "Don't Panic" somewhere on that thang, you got yourself a product that EVERYONE will want.

Me: Well, everyone like us, anyway. I'll make a "Don't Panic" button (badge) and put it on the strap.

Her: A "Don't Panic" button is far more effective than a "Panic" button, I think.

I'm starting a new Blog Fad for this week. It's called: "Kung Fu Speak Week," or didn't I already establish that with the title of my entry? Basically, try to incorporate a confusing riddle in all your entries.

Subject: Question:
From: Golfwidow
To: Me

I love that idea, but don't have any clue what I would put. "Better to sip Canadian beer and be thought a snob than to gulp Coors and be thought a fool"?

Re: Answer:
From: Me
To: Golfwidow

"Only the fool knows that the ale he drinks is superior to the ale he doesn't."

You want to know what just irritates the shit out of me?

Safari.

That's right, I said it. Whaddya gonna do, Mac users, beat me up and tell me I can't be in the Apple Club anymore? Well, kiss my ass. Safari sucks.

Golfwidow: Orgasms are good for the vascular system if you have migraines and they open your tearducts if you have sinus problems.

me: I have a lot of sinus problems that need opening up. Sometimes I need opening up after too many martinis.

Today I had to admit that I post on a message board that's designed to make fun of a message board that makes fun of a different message board.

And then I hung my geek head in shame and cried tears full of dork.

me: i'm putting my lottery plan in effect today. all i gotta do is win. then i get $370 million dollars, and we can retire to brazil. with a bunch of male models that we purchase from janice dickenson.

piehole: ive always WANTED my own models! can we keep them in stables?

me: i was thinking we'd just provide couches with plastic on them. but stables would be better. with pillows instead of hay. that'd be fun to play in. we could even have a plastic ball pit. seriously, if i win $370 million dollars you pretty much have to be my personal assistant. we could hire stephen hawking to homeschool your son.

piehole: dude. even just for the computerized voice.

me: that's ridiculous money, right there. it would be silly to not do retardedly irresponsible things with it. in fact, when i win $370 million, we can have a private jet with "retardedly irresponsible spending" airbrushed on the side.

piehole: ooh. can we have john travolta be our pilot? and maybe seats made out of baby seal? with rhinestones?

me: yes. and, i want throw pillows filled with spotted owl feathers. also, i want my bed to have those tiny 7" flatscreen monitors at every possible position so when i'm lounging, all i have to do is turn my head and i'm watching tv. or! no! i don't even have to turn my head! that's what i meant! the tvs are everywhere so that i don't have to strain!

piehole: HEH... YOU KNOW, [CO-WORKER] ONCE WORKED ON A HOUSE IN MONTANA WHERE THE BED WAS ON A PLATFORM THAT ROTATED! SO YOU COULD EITHER LOOK AT THE TV OR THE VIEW... JUST TURN THE BED!

me: meh. too "under 50 millionaire"

piehole: OOOH! WE CAN BUY THE WORLDS MOST EXPENSIVE HOUSE IN THE YELLOWSTONE CLUB! LETS BUY TWO!

me: the second house is only for our pets. people aren't allowed in. i really don't want pets, though. let's just get ponies. and the ponies can live in the second house. and when we get bored we can finance the release of a sequel to our hit documentary, called: "Pony House 2: Even More Horsin' Around"

piehole: HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GET my little ponies! AND NOT real PONIES! NO HORSEY SMELL! PLUS WE CAN HAVE A MY LITTLE PONIES HOUSE!

me: or... talking robot ponies. pink metallic talking robot ponies. and the documentary can be called "Mrs. Ed: Back From The Barn." or: "Prancin' 2: Electric Pony-loo."

It's supposed to just be the songs I like, but for some reason finetune included "other songs I might like," which of course aren't really songs I like at all. For instance, U2. But anyway.

In my constant need for monetary compensation, I would like to announce that my whoring the site out with ads has brought me a revenue of a whopping $5.73.

I will wisely invest this money. Probably in comic books. (Which we all know is like a U.S. Savings Bond, only with pictures of hot chicks in spandex and vinyl.)

If you're sitting in front of the computer right now and your jaw hurts, that's me. I'm punching you with my mind.

I'm very close to adopting an alter ego, just to send messages to people on the internet that say: "SHUT THE FUCK UP," "EVERYONE HATES YOU," or "YOUR OPINIONS SUCK." I'm all for free speech and everything, but seriously. Shut the fuck up. No one likes you, and we're all tired of hearing about how great you think you are.

me: i seriously cannot wait to go home. we have more BSG today and i'm gonna exploded
     explod
     explo
     blow up
bitca: hahahahahaha!

Yeah, so, the mister and I are still winging our way through Battlestar Galactica on DVD, and last night we hit a snag. We were on the last disc of the Season 2.0 box set. (For some reason [more money] the producers or whomever decided to split Season 2 into two box sets [to get more money] so you have to get Season 2 in two parts [bastards.])

I was upset to discover that Season 2, Disc 3 only contains two episodes, and spent the better part of a minute cussing out the DVD player. (After which my diagnosis of "retardedly angry" was reconfirmed.) Then we watched both episodes, the last of which ends on a MAJOR CLIFFHANGER. And we weren't going to be getting a new disc from Netflix for OMG TWO DAYS.

Okay, the point of the story is this, so I'll just get to it: I'm a geek who had to get her Battlestar Galactica fix and went out at two in the morning to Meijer just to buy the next box set in the season because I HAD TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT SUPERBITCH ADMIRAL CAIN and Oh My God, can't you just see how this science fiction stuff is like crack to me?

Generate your name with Monster Stickers.

Perhaps I'm older than my parents are letting on, because I totally remember these.

bryce: I'm changing jobs on Wednesday

me: are you going to be dealing drugs?
me: i'd like two drugs, please

bryce: no, I'm into big financial business.

me: i need some big finances

bryce: but I am moving into a new job doing Captive Insurance Managment

me: what is that? insurance for kidnapped people?

bryce: captive insurance is when you create your own company and insure yourself. It's a way of generating a huge offshore tax free fund and make millions.

me: do you have to start with a lot of money? I think I have $13 in my checking account

bryce: the company I'm starting with requires minimum $30 million investment to start up.

me: I can put $13 towards that. I'm good for it.

me: Also, if you know a way to make a zillion dollars off the internets, i will pay you $13 for the info. I am not above making a quality product and then selling it for a zillion dollars to a shitty company like Yahoo, who will destroy it.
me: Just so long as I get my zillion dollars
me: I also want a pony and to be an astronaut

me: STRIPPER 101! You and I will have to sneak off to stripper class. At the completion of the class each student receives a certificate establishing them as a 'genuine Las Vegas stripper.' ndividual photos and group photos are also taken and are available to purchase after the class." YES! Certified!

Piehole: OH. MY. GOD.

me: The basic "package" includes the certificate and a free drink. Ha ha ha! They have to give you free drinks at stripper class.

me: I want to crash stripper class. We can do a team performance. I will beatbox and you can do the worm. We will confuse them. Or we can strip to the theme from the Patty Duke show.

Piehole: Ooooh! Can we wear big ol' 50's dresses with crenolines and wide headbands and pearls?!?

me: Just the pearls. And little white gloves.

Piehole: I thought maybe we could strip down to our sacred mormon underpants. And vacuum.

me: Or use pledge to polish the pole.

So far I have all of Supernatural, Justice League Unlimited, and Firefly on my new tiny laptop. I plan to watch it all while I'm in transit. I think the flight to the New York Comic Con is only an hour long, but I'm preparing in case we're flying into the sun.

Happy Where Did Jesus' Body Go I Know They Left It Right Here Behind This Big Rock Did You Move It Don't Mess Me Around I Know You Think You're So Funny Sometimes Seriously It Was Right Here Oh Crap Unless We're At The Wrong Tomb Crap All These Rocks Look The Same Oh Crap We Gotta Find Where That Body Went It Couldn't Have Just Vanished Oh Crap Oh Crap Oh Crap* Day.

Or, you know. Happy Easter, for those who like brevity.

*It's funnier when you imagine Mary Magdalene with a Minnesotan accent.

I did not make this up.

Click to Embiggen.

The Happening has logged me out.

The Happening doesn't want to let me log back in. Because

The Happening keeps happening between every fucking page load.

The Happening also prevents me from clicking through to "Previous Entries."

The Happening wants to psyche me out by making me think Filmdrunk
hasn't been updated since June 3rd.

The Happening also wants to make me think Filmdrunk has changed its
site font to bold, anti-aliased Arial. Because

The Happening ad on Filmdrunk is a douche.

I am fucking awesome! No more wearing pants for me!

I'm sad that Romance Novel Writing Month -- where we sit around eating ice cream for three weeks and then frantically crank out a story at the very last possible minute -- never took off.

To be fair, instead of putting any effort in to it, I just re-watched The Princess Bride a lot.

her: I keep seeing the name "Starcorp," and imagining a factory that manufactures stars. Or I mistype it as "Starcop," which would also be awesome.

me: COP TO THE STARS!
me: Or, cop OF THE STARS
me: Maybe Cop Of the Stars to the Stars!
me: intergalactic celebutants
me: I like the idea of a green three headed Paris Hilton.
me: So repugnant. So rich.

Me: I said "I wonder how much IBM is paying for this" as a RT to Jack's Facebook post last night. I got the reply: "It's okay: they're probably using the money Hitler & Nazis paid them for equipment bought back in WWII." As if Nazis aren't allowed to compute! The very thought!

Laura: What's hilarious is the notion that IBM still has that money, and that we should hold it against them.

Me: Now I have the image of an IBM jar with "NAZI $$$" on the side. Like, sitting on the CEO's desk. "Sir, we're over budget." "Time to break in to the Hitler cash! LOL!"

Laura: Does BMW have a matching jar?

Me: No. They are frivolous.

We were talking about Passions on last week's podcast and someone said "Suddenly, there are four Ben Franklins!" Now I want a show with all Ben Franklins.

According to Franklin
Are We Franklin Yet?
The Ben Franklin Theory
Two and a Half Franklins (one Ben Franklin is a midget.)

I think my sequel to Edward Nigma: Detective for Hire could be Thomas Blake: Celebrity Veterinarian. I like the idea of Bruce Wayne being all "Ace won't stop peeing on the giant penny," and Blake having to work it all out.

"Bruce, this is the trauma of having his engraver owner kidnapped by counterfeiters. The only way to fix this is to take up scrimshaw."

(Followed by thirty panels of Batman patiently learning to carve intricate ships via months of ninja-like scrimshaw training .)

Dick buys Bruce "1001 Nautical Scenes For Scrimshawing" as a Christmas present. Scrimshawing? Scrimmin'?

Maybe Penguin's penguins have fin rot and need treatment, too.

Forget it, I'll abandon the whole idea and go back to my sad watercolor paintings. *throws pen across the room* *gets up, goes and picks up pen* *responsibly balances checkbook while cursing The Man*

Some girl on Tumblr who just posts photos of attractive men asked for some suggestions of attractive men and I was like "You should do a theme of all the hot guys from the 80s. Or just James Spader in the 80s" and instead she's posting photos of boys from The Wizards of Waverly Place and I'm like "So I see you went the other direction with that, then, thanks, I like being on a watchlist."