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"STOP SAYING THINGS, YOU MORON. Goddamn it! Every time you open your mouth without listening to me first, it makes me want to force you to sleepwalk into a woodchipper."

When I use your product, am I supposed to get that "BRRRrrr! Clean!" feeling on my skin? You know, from all the tingles on my face, where it's deep cleaning the fugly out of my pores? Aren't I supposed to dance around, giddy from the tingles, chanting "Clean! clean! my face is so clean!," etc?

That doesn't happen for me.

You know what are the worst three minutes in the world? The three minutes when you wait for one pink line, or two. You should really put a crossword puzzle or a Jumble on the backs of those boxes.

If you care anything about mother nature and global warming at all, you'll help me eat all these cows. You selfish bastards.

I would like to submit a correction to the "New Cds" Review Section in RS#923. Mr. Peter Relic likened the band "Rooney" to that of a two-bit "Weezer." This is incorrect. They are obviously a two-bit "Sloan."

Sincerely,
Me

...stop singing your father's songs. I know you're proud that he like, created weed smoking, but seriously. I already have a Bob Marley Greatest Hits album. Write something of your own.

I've noticed that your new store slogan is "EXPERIENCE THE CREATIVITY!!!"

I am a little disturbed by how excited your company is about having me experience my own creative potential.

Next time, worry more about how you make it impossible to find the sewing machine replacement parts, and less about how much I'm loving the possibilities of yarn.

IF YOU CAN'T PLAY NICE AND SHARE THEN NO ONE GETS ISREAL AND YOU ALL HAVE TO GO TO BED WITH NO DINNER.

I don't mind that you blast Tejano music at 6 am. I don't mind that you play it all day long on Saturday. I'm cool with it. I like Tejano music. It's like living inside of a Chi Chi's.

But I absolutely draw the line at listening to a Mexican cover of "I Just Called To Say I Love You." Knock it off.

Sincerely,
2-C

Dear Keanu:

I don't know that ANYONE could convincingly play Buddha, but certainly you couldn't. I'll accept that you're the devil's son, that you're the computer Jesus, and even that you're a machinist who helps build water powered cars or some shit. But Buddha is a stretch, even for me.

It was truly an exercise in futility trying to watch this movie. The bad hair, the terrible "blackface," and let us not overlook your struggle with accents. Holy hell, let us not forget.

Hey, Bob? @y-miscellaneous different numbers-.com?

I'M SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF YOU SPAMMING MY WEBSITES AND MT BLACKLIST NOT CATCHING IT.

Find someone else's blogs to infiltrate with online casino ads. YOU BASTARD!!

Please pick a fucking speed limit. On just this road, this block, it's 40 MPH. The next block, it's 25 MPH. Two blocks later, it's 45 MPH for about thirteen feet.

Your speed limit signs are only outnumbered by the amount of time and thought you put into building extra lanes for every goddamn thing under the sun. Extra left turn lanes, right turn lanes, lanes for carpooling, lanes for people who like the color blue.

Sincerely,
The Girl With The Michigan Plates Who Just Wants To Not Get Pulled Over By Asshole OSU Campus Cops

What in the name of God posesses you to think you could flush a tampon? For chrissake, there's a separate little trash can in every stall for exactly the purpose of tossing your junk when you're through with it. It's not embarassing to use the rag can, that's what it's there for. When the janitor goes through at night and empties it, he's not expecting candy to fall out of it, he knows what's in there.

Dear Golfwidow:

I do not think Those Men Of Ours are being taken over by aliens and turned into pod people at all. I've decided it's a viral infection. A temporary brain affliction.

Otherwise, why else would -- for instance -- That Man Of Mine speak strongly about his disdain for all "new" Star Wars movies, veto the option to see a midnight showing with "all the nerds", and then turn around and DEMAND I go to a showing with him tomorrow morning? Was it not he, who, four days ago, said: "Yeah, Episode II, I remember that... they rode around on those gay dinosaur things and did a lot of frolicking in fields. Gay." ?

My only hope is that this severe personality disorder returns to normal as quickly as That Man Of Yours's did. Did you treat his sickness with any sort of over-the-counter medicines? Like NyQuil? I think NyQuil would get rid of a brain affliction, don't you?

Sincerely,

~Me

Your police officers ("bobbies"?) carry guns now? When did that happen?

Also, welcome to the club! Two free handguns with the price of admission!

Sincerely,

America.

I know it's hard to imagine, but your state may be plagued by the occasional hurricane. Perhaps you should rebuild your houses out of brick instead of whatever it is you're building them out of now. I assume it's a special falling-down lumber.

Old people, especially, listen up: It's a bad idea to try and hit the early bird special when there's been three feet of rain. I'm not saying for sure that you'll get stuck in the middle of the road on the way to Shoney's, but it'd probably be better if you moved to Arizona instead. They don't have daylight savings time there. It's a dry heat. Think about it.

I finally received the laptop I won from your Ebay auction. However, you have left a slew of MP3s on the hard drive for me to discover and chortle at. Witness a list, misspellings are yours, and are emboldened:

- Lords of Acid
- Marvin Gay
- Limp Biscuit
- Cat Stevens
- Lenny Kravitz
- Nelly Frutato
- Staind
- Sarah Maclaughlin
- Nine Inch Nails (with incorrect song titles)
- Kylee Menogue
- an entire OMD album, but it wasn't labeled which album, and it didn't have "If You Leave" on it, so I'm not sure which one it was, but who the fuck knows any other OMD songs except "If You Leave" and isn't from the UK?

This is just a small sample of what appears to be your "eclectic" tastes. Along with more crap like this, there is honestly a playlist labeled "SMOOOOOTH JAZZ." I mean, seriously. Isn't it enough that I had to buy a used, outdated iBook, but now you have to prank me with this? Not cool.

Sincerely,
Member #5812323773

Congratulations. You're a moron. Unless you have something to do with the signing of my paychecks -- in which case you're very resourceful, sir. Good on you. If you're wondering how those dents got in your front bumper, it's probably because you park directly in front of the employee gate, which makes it impossible for anyone to go in or out without climbing over your hood. But if you want a name, I'll tell you who did it: It was Steve.

I thought my freakish elf ears made it impossible for me to keep your earbuds from sliding out of my head. See, the instructions said to place the one marked "right" into my right ear, and the one marked "left" into my left ear.

But you didn't really mean that, did you? What you meant to instruct was: "And by 'left', we mean 'right,' dumbass." Perhaps when you wrote "follow these instructions" you forgot to add "J/K LOL!!1!!" to the end?

You suck.

Sincerely,
Elf Ears

In response to the recent bear maulings, a family member responded: "We hold no animosity towards the bear."

Oh? Really? Could that be because.... it's a fucking BEAR? I'm sure glad you decided not to hold a blood grudge against that wild animal, sir.

Do not perform illegal traffic maneuvers while plotting possible double homicide.

People. STOP PROCREATING. Your kids are not science projects, they're tiny, noisy, annoying human beings.

Please upgrade yourself. I need you to be able to decipher when I've typed something in the address bar incorrectly, and send me to the website I meant to go to originally, instead. Like when I type in "http://www.imbd.cm" you totally know what I mean, so stop playing around.

Jerk. Why you gotta be difficult, Netscape? Why you gotta play like that?

The next time you want to drive 12 hours round trip for one rock concert, punch yourself real hard in the face instead.

I know you think vaccines and immunizations are the work of the devil and are really some sort of mind-control device designed to undermine your authority as a parent, and not, you know, actually a preventative measure to eradicate deadly or crippling diseases. I'm going to have Jonas Salk punch you now, so please remove your tinfoil hat.

Most states are trying to roll out mandatory HPV vaccinations and a few of you morons are having hissy fits. This is not like the government recording your phone conversations (you know, like they're doing now,) this is preventing your children from getting cancer.

Which of you assholes is like: "Hmm, I really don't want little Gillian's cervix to rot out... but I really don't want to have The Sex Talk with her, either. Sorry, Gilly! Cancer for you!" ?

I'm sorry I was so rude. See, your taking 20 minutes at the self-postage center just to mail one package made me think you were incredibly stupid. Now that I'm reflecting on the situation, I think you may actually be illiterate, instead of intensely pondering the possible answers to each question the postal calculator was asking you (my original assumption.)

None of that matters now, though. Because despite your deliberations over insurance and proof of delivery options, you stupidly did not check to make sure your package could fit in the slot for the self-postaged packages. You blatantly ignored (or, again, perhaps could not read) the giant red sign that says "Please make sure your parcel fits down the chute before tying up the line with your asinine antics, ass."

So when you tried mailing your shit, and it didn't fit in the basket, and you shoved it in there anyway and jammed up the lever for the chute -- thereby making it impossible for anyone else behind you who had already purchased postage to mail their packages until the next morning -- it certainly could have NOT been your fault. You could quite possibly just be illiterate, instead of a complete asshole.

But probably not.

Step it up, will you? My friend just received a $12,000 bonus in her salary for, presumably, being awesome. I'm awesome on a regular basis and the only "bonus" I got this year was a flannel jacket with the company logo stitched on it. Last year it was soft luggage. (And the year before that.)

True, her bonus goes in to some sort of "IRA" thing (Imaginary Money Fund) that she can't access until she's too old to enjoy having $12,000. But I would rather have pretend old person money than luggage. Really, I don't need any more luggage.

Seriously, it's not like I make enough or have enough time off to go anywhere that would require some serious luggage, anyhow. In summation: More money, less luggage. Please.

Remember when you made your first ever appearance, a couple of years ago when Golfwidow came to visit me? Remember how horrified I was that you chose to show up right as I had houseguests to impress? Remember when I vaccuumed you all up with the Dirt Devil?

Well, we've had some fun times since then. I've tried to smush you, you've been too small to smoosh. I'd put out ant traps, you'd just go somewhere else. I bet you thought you were super cute, didn't you, you teeny tiny monsters. You thought you could send lookouts one at a time to scurry across my countertops and confuse the hell out of me. "Where could they all be?" I had thought. "How come there's only one ant at a time out here?"

Little did I know that it wasn't ant reconnaissance hurrying around the kitchen, but sole survivors from a mass ant suicide. There they all were -- they'd somehow managed to get under the SEALED CAP of an UNOPENED BOTTLE OF MAPLE SYRUP -- a tribe of ants floating around in what I'm sure is Ant Heaven.

I marvel at your teeny tiny ingenuity. Fucking bastards. Now I can't eat pancakes. YOU WIN THIS ROUND, ANTS!

Awww, you're moving away.

I can't say I'll miss you. You were like larger, noisier versions of the ants. Big, bad techno-music-making, nuisances. Seriously, how could you not realize that the music you were "creating" was awful? And why didn't you figure out that other people could actually hear it? I'll take bad tejano music over crappy emo synth pop any day.

Also: I keep weird hours, it's true, what with me working until midnight and on weekends. But at least I'm respectful about it. It's not like I come home at 1am and decide to try and split atoms or anything. You, on the other hand, took to hammering on the walls at 4am.

I mean, I am normally wide awake at that hour, but it's not like you were taking a survey before you hung pictures, were you? You just did it because you felt like it.

Sincerely,

The person who doesn't leave her garbage can in the middle of the street, I.E., Not You

I've got ideas about a new type of "fusion" cuisine. I call it: Pan-Asian Bavarian.

Menu items could include:

- Salmon and Saurkraut
- Bratwurst and Coconut Pineapple Rice
- Liverwurst Potstickers
- Pretzel Bass
- Duck Sausage (In Green Tea Sauce)
- Octopus over Boiled Potatoes (with Mango Gravy)
- Mustard Eel
- Kale-style Kale (In Kale Sauce)
- Sake Beer

I of course know nothing about food, except how delicious it is when I eat it. However, if you are interested in investing in this idea, I will endorse it with Racheal Ray-like enthusiasm.

Sincerely,
Lemongrass Corned Beef

Re: Halo 3

Nerds! Dial it back! Jesus.

UPDATE: To clarify, there are "gamers" who waited in line for THREE DAYS to be the first to purchase A VIDEO GAME. Hooray!!!!!!

Quit making shitty movies and get back to making shitty music. I'm getting sick of "Dragula." Put out something new.

Dear Neighbor:

I see you decided to get up this morning when the roads were clear and there was no snow, and park on the street, behind my driveway, with the ass end of your shitbox sticking out onto the road. Arriving home tonight at 8pm I saw that you decided not to bother moving your car to fix this fuckwittery at any time during the preceding 12 hours. Instead you allowed all our neighbors to pull in around your superior park job, effectively making it impossible for me to ever back out of my driveway again until Spring.

As a token of my appreciation, I hope you enjoy the 8+ inches of snow I've added to the roof of your car.

Sincerely,
the Neighbor who will hopefully be moving out tomorrow.

YOU ARE DEFINITELY SMOKING THE POT UP THERE, AREN'T YOU? You can't send me file video that is 95% broll of Bill Cosby and claim it's Hugh Hefner file.

"For sure any movie [Ricky Gervais] makes he can forget about getting nominated [for a Golden Globe]. He humiliated the [Hollywood Foreign Press Association]last night and went too far with several celebrities whose representatives have already called to complain." -probably made up quote from an "HFPA insider" at PopEater

I'm so sorry you lost the popularity contest, Ricky. Now all you can do is win actual awards based on real merits, instead of purchased ones. Bad luck for you.

I would like some advanced notice when Betelgeuse is about to explode, please. I have to get to the desert to try and take a Tatooine photo.

Is the fuel you use to deliver packages made of gold? Or perhaps it is made of baby unicorn tears. This is the only reason I can think of that would justify the $11 cost to ship a dozen cookies to California.

I'm pretty sure when you wrote "BURN IN HELL FAGS" on that barn you torched, God looked at the 8 innocent horses you killed -- including a one week old colt -- and took special note of your names and forwarded them to Hell's "ironic punishments" department.

Holy Crap.

If I want to be in your Arts and Crafts Show, first of all I have to apply for next year because even though it's not until August, you're already booked up. Second of all, you're making me compete in an art contest? And every category I plan to sell artwork in (oils, acrylics, watercolors, etc.,) I have to compete in that category in the art contest. Which is like a $20 "judges" fee each time.

And, I have to include photos of previous booths I've had. What is that about? To prove I know how to set up a table and hang some paintings? I'm pretty sure it's just to make sure I've got plenty of paintings of horses, thereby ensuring I fit in with your ideas about art.

By the way, what the shit.

I would apologize that, now that Beavis & Butthead has returned to MTV, you are going to have to endure the same "huh huh, huh, huh" laughter (and various other imitations) from the teenaged boys you wish to court, that I had to endure as a teen.

Except the new Beavis & Butthead is still really funny.