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BREN'S 3-PART LOTTERY WINNINGS PLAN

Part 1. Win Lottery.

Part 2. Pay off loans / bills / pimp.

Part 3. Purchase / Build dream bar. Name bar "Moe's", or possibly "Sir Ziggfield's Shagger Box".

I majored in fine arts in college. That means I have the right to punch idealists in the throat.

"I'm 19 and I have an opinion! It's valid! I have a voice! I'm 'arty'!"

::punch!::

I could never pull off baby tees that say "Angel."

I am ashamed to admit that I am now hopelessly a fan of Beastmaster.

I... I...

I've actually started liking... "Frasier".

Ack! Ack! Ack!

TODAY I AM WEARING A FLEECE PULLOVER AS THE ONLY OUTERWEAR THAT WILL PROTECT ME FROM THE ELEMENTS, AND I AM UNCOMFORTABLY WARM IN THIS ELEMENT PROTECTING OUTERWEAR.

God bless you, Global Warming.

Completely by accident, I created a new swear. Damb It's for comparing someone to a possessed baby sheep.

Bad Gorditas kept me from drinking, sleeping, and seeing "A Mighty Wind" this weekend. I'm going to sue Taco Bell. Mostly for the not getting drunk part.

In an effort to get healthy, today I went for a five mile bike ride.

In an effort to keep my sanity, today I decided to give up bike riding.

If you're drunk and you can't find the milk, take a can of Redi-Whip, and make the BEST FUCKING PANCAKES IN THE WORLD.

Today I spent much monies on myself and on others in the spirit of Jesus's birth. I never knew that Jesus invented Mastercard.

My dog died today.

I've decided that I might have to start writing important information on post-it notes and sticking them to the tops of my breasts, in order to convey pertinent details.

Science tells us drinking beer can prevent heart attack and stroke. Government research shows a good ale can be a healthy diversion.

Thanks, Science!

Today is just NOT a good day.

Someone is going to get punched today.

It just might be YOU.

(But probably, it will be... you.)

Who wants to buy an island and name it "Cunnilingus"?

I just want to say "Welcome to Cunnilingus!"

And print it on t-shirts.

And make postcards that say "I'm loving Cunnilingus!"

If I ever hit the lottery, I'm going to open my own chain of themed restaurants. They'll be called "Machete Jack's," and the theme will be "Ultimate Torture and Humiliation."

Just imagine what Family Fun Night would be like at Machete Jack's! All whips and chains! Plus, kids under 5 eat free!

For the uninformed, here's what's going on in my life:

I live with Lynnda. I sleep on her couch. We watch CSI. The End.

HEY! GUESS WHAT!

Guess what it's really hard to do without electricity?

EAT! And WATCH TV! And CHECK YOUR EMAIL! And SLEEP (to some extent,)! BECAUSE THERE'S NO HEAT! OR LIGHT! AND I CAN'T GET MY FUCKING CAR OUT OF THE GARAGE!

Because garage doors need ELECTRICITY to work! HOORAY FOR SCIENCE!

I thank God that we still have hot water, and took a very very long shower to compensate for having no heat for over 14 hours. And, actually, I still have no heat.

But the good news is -- WE PROBABLY WON'T HAVE POWER FOR ANOTHER THREE DAYS! AND ALL MY FOOD FOR CHRISTMAS IS GOING TO SPOIL! AND THE FIREPLACE DOESN'T GET CLEANED FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS SO I'M GOING TO FREEZE TO DEATH! ALSO, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR PIPES TO BURST? BECAUSE MINE ARE PROBABLY GOING TO!

The super good news is, this hasn't stopped me from going in to work! Someone picked me up in a news car. Yay for someone, because now I get to freeze and starve and GET PAID FOR IT! BECAUSE IT IS SO COLD IN THIS EDIT BAY I FEEL LIKE I'M AT HOME!

HOORAY!

...i'm going to go scavenge the vending machines for sustinence.

I have just had the best cookie I've ever eaten in my life.

It was chocolate with pink peppermint stick frosting. Both delicious and aesthetically pleasing.

In other news, still no power, and I just dropped $20 on a flashlight because Radio Shack was the only place open.

It is going to be BITCH TITTY ASS COLD in my house. I may actually try to start a fire in the fireplace. Wish me luck.

...and it is to stay home from work on a Monday and never get out of my pajamas while playing video games and eating junk food all day.

I so want to win a regional Emmy. This is my new goal in life. ESPECIALLY if they give out the same statuettes as the other Emmys. (And from every indication on this brochure I have, they're the same.)

I wouldn't even care if it were a miniature version of the primetime Emmys. I'd put it on my keychain. I just want to be able to have "Emmy Award Winning Editor" in front of my name.

Seriously, I'd get my driver's license changed to include "Emmy Award Winner" on it. I'd put it on my taxes if they let me. At the very least, I'd change my address labels to reflect my accomplishment.

Despite my objections, and my intense deficiency at being able to do it, I'm going to try and knit again. That's right! I've gone over to the dark side!! I've sent for my old knitting needles from my mother. I told her all my pretend internet friends were to blame. She responded:

"Everyone around here is into knitting those scarfs that are all fuzzy."

So, apparently it's not just an internet thing. Everyone has lost their minds.

You know how I said I'm going to re-learn how to knit? Yeah, screw that.

I just took a look at "Knit Wit." In the intro it says something that amounts to "Tying your shoes was hard until you learned how, that's what knitting is like."

I don't know how to tie my shoes. I am dead serious. So now I'm fairly sure this knitting thing is going to go the way of the Bar Chord. (I don't need it! I can play Rock N' Roll without it! HMPH!)

Yes, that's right. I'm gifted with a third eye. It happens when I'm in the car. Even if I'm enjoying whatever it is I'm listening to, I will suddenly -- almost involuntarily -- reach over and hit the stereo presets, or the "FM" button, and an AC/DC song will be playing. No matter what. Even if it's a Top 40 station, they'll be spinning AC/DC. It's like I just know that rock is going on at that moment.

It's a gift. I wish it were Journey songs, but the AC/DC is almost as good. You can't look a gifthorse in the mouth.

I HAVE LEARNED TO PLAY BARRED CHORDS! Yes, me. The woman who refused to learn how to tie her shoes properly, finally has learned how to play barred chords in a proper fashion. I can even play a whole song using them. It doesn't sound so good right now, but fuck you.

FUCK. Mitch Hedberg died. This is fucking terrible. Damn.

The following are some of my favorite jokes from Mitch.

(In order of my favorite, most quoted by me going first.)

"I opened up a can of yogurt, and under the lid it said 'Please Try Again' -- because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'"

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I went to see a doctor, but all I got was my blood sucked. DO NOT GO to Dr. Acula."

"I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and I had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick? ::zip:: :::zip::: Fuck you."

"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"My apartment is infested with Koala Bears. Its the cutest infestation ever."

"I was at this casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. 'Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey... this song is funky.'"

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's WAY MORE SATISFYING. You're supposed to yell FORE. But I was too busy mumbling: 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."

"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you must insert a pause."

"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived instead. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"

"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. 'Mitch's Pizzaria... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.'"

"At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."

"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say: "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while. When I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."

"I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, 'Let me have a bun.' But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, 'Alright, well, put some lettuce on it,' which she did. She said, 'That'll be $1.75.' I said, "It's for a duck.' And they said, 'All right, then it's free.' See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. 'Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there! And they all want Sun Chips!'"

I HAVE DECIDED THAT IF STEPHEN MALKMUS, FRANK BLACK, AND THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS GO ON TOUR TOGETHER I WILL PEE IN MY PANTS IMMEDIATELY.

Look how nice my grammar is for being drunk. WHEEE!

I think it's a good idea that I stop smoking simply because I just spent $4.50 on a pack of Marlboros and I can't find where I put the goddamn things. I didn't even get to smoke one.

Dude. You will NEVER guess what I just found out. I would have never guessed it in a million trillion years.

"Super Dave" Osbourne ... is Albert Brooks' brother.

ISN'T THAT FUCKING CRAZY?

Top Five Things I Learned About Wonder Woman:

5. Cape chafing.
4. Forearm sweating.
3. No where to put the Wonder Smokes.
2. Wonder Bustiers.
1. Tiaras are totally comfy.

In its tireless race to remain oblivious to the rest of the world, China hopes to put a man on the moon in fifteen years.

"Anything worth doing is worth doing right," said China.

The government plans on building a manned space station within twenty years, then hopes to create a more energy efficient light bulb in thirty years, and for a big finale, they'll invent something they're tentatively calling the "internet" by the year 2055.

"Xiang is partial to the name 'computerweb,' while I much prefer the moniker: 'ultimate source of geisha fullfillment,'" said one space program official.

Of course, the first step towards advancement is usually finding a way to supply the country with electricity and indoor plumbing, luxuries most of rural China lives without. But ultimately, the country's major obstacle will be its lack of what Chinese President Hu Jintao calls "Mad Money".

"If we could find a way to cut back on the Federal Budget, I think it would be possible," said Jintao. "We're thinking of either reducing our spending on Food for Fireworks, or possibly eliminating 'No Child Left Behind... Except For The Women, Yeah, We Don't Need You' program." The President further added: "You know somebody who wants a DVD of Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire? Because I could hook them up. I got region one AND region two, bitches."

Everyone likes yelling at me and my parents are getting divorced.

Welcome to 2006. So far it fucking sucks.

I went out and bought a Smallville novel today because I was told there was a hot tub scene with Lex Luthor and Clark Kent.

My geekiness? Is out of control. I am in a Geek Shame Spiral.

These things?

These are a punishment in a 23 gram bag. STAY AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE HEXAGONS OF DISAPPOINTMENT!

When a guy writes serious Man Poetry, and then insists on reading the Serious Man Poetry... I will probably not be sleeping with him.

Man Poetry: It's my Kryptonite.

Look out, world. I'm boring, I'm nerdy, I'm responsible, and I like wizards from the future. With sausage and pepperoni.

List of birthday demands:

- everyone must get drunk
- everything must be cheesier
- all cute boys must go shirtless
- vat of whipped cream full of tootsie rolls must be delivered to my mouth
- plus ice cream
- or ice cream with vodka
- just the vodka
- just pour it in my mouth already
- why aren't you shirtless?

Today I'm just not having it.

Any of it.

Overtime, the Tigers losing, working weekends, my DVR deciding not to record Supernatural, the appalling lack of rice krispie treats in my house... it's all not working for me.

-- then don't attend this show. For this band is so potent, you may be impregnated just by listening to their hot rock music.

(P.S. - I'll totally be there! Drinking booze! And listening to loud rock music! Just like my momma told me never to do!)

Even since I was two years old.

I light the filter end accidentally even to this day. Stupidity is like, so cool.

In my constant need for monetary compensation, I would like to announce that my whoring the site out with ads has brought me a revenue of a whopping $5.73.

I will wisely invest this money. Probably in comic books. (Which we all know is like a U.S. Savings Bond, only with pictures of hot chicks in spandex and vinyl.)

Remember when I was so stoked to be getting Wonder Woman boots?

Well, they arrived. And in a shocking turn of events, they don't mother fucking fit.

And in an even more shocking (and angering!) turn of events: The company I bought them from won't exchange them for the next bigger size.

See, this was why I needed the boots... was to give ass whoopings at the drop of a hat. (Or a tiara.) Now I'm left with boots that pinch and don't quite zip up all the way over my giant leg muscles.

(By the way, I have plenty of pairs of knee-high boots, and all of them zip up just fine. So, what's up, makers of the Wonder Woman boot? You'd think "big calf muscles" would be something you'd be wary of when making boots that are similar to Wonder fucking Woman's, you know, she's that tall chick with the big leg muscles and the spangled underpants?)

I have:

• less than 20 minutes before I leave work and go on my first real vacation in 2 years.
  
• to get up in less than six hours to get on a flight.
  
• surfed every site on the internet and am still bored.
  
• anxiety over the big poofy dress making it aboard my flight.
  
• less than 36 hours before I elope for the second time, this time hopefully successful.
  
• two Tylenol PMs in me, but also a bottle of Diet Coke so maybe they cancel each other out.
  
• a craving for In-N-Out burger that, for once, will be satisfied.
  
• impatience with the new Harry Potter book. Seriously, get here already.
  
• a Jessica Simpson hairpiece that I fully intend on wearing.
  
• to pee.

Today I pre-ordered the new Greg Rucka novel.

I told about three people that I'd preordered the new Greg Rucka novel, and instead of asking "Who's Greg Rucka?", as I expected, they all asked "What's it about?", which I don't even know the answer to.

Update: It's about guns and stuff. Of course. Thanks, Amazon.com!

Everyone is all "blah blah, comic con, blah blah" and I'm kind of getting sick of it. I've never been, and from what I heard this year, I don't want to go -- unless being crushed to death by a mob of sweaty guys in Green Lantern t-shirts is now considered a noble geek death.

I'm going to start Girl Comic Con. Where girl comic book fans / sci fi geeks meet to discuss why "Enterprise" was a worthy show (and not just because Connor Trinneer took his shirt off a lot,) why the Timmverse is so totally on board with a WW/Bats ship, and whether or not we should crown Gail Simone "Leader for Life." There will only be like 300 of us in the entire world in attendance, and we all know how to accessorize. And there will be tacos. And drinking.

On second thought, I'd bet money there's already a Girl Comic Con somewhere. Goddamnit.

I have decided that a totally good idea would be to challenge myself and the few friends I have to try to write the worst, most embarassingly cliched romantic fiction they possibly can.

I've already written a good opening line: "She told me she hated ice cream -- I knew I had to teach her how to love. One day, she'd have fun again. One day... we'd have Rocky Road." The book's called Scoops Of My Heart and the cover is a dude wearing nothing but one of those triangular hats like they have at In-N-Out burger.

Confession:

I always thought the song went: "The Devil's about to rock! We. Sa-lute. You!"

My husband thinks my version is better, so at least there's that.

For the celebration of my birth, I was awarded with a brand new tiny adorable iPod Nano. In accordance with Finagle's Law, or perhaps Sturgeon's Law, the iPod's headphone jack was broken. But I didn't find this out until I'd spent six hours ripping CDs to the goddamn thing.

In conclusion, Apple stores are stocked full of jerks and abundant with fuckwittage.

If anyone wants to know why I kind of hate Lord of the Rings, it's because all the black characters are ugly angry beasts literally pulled from the mud, but the white people live forever. (The midgets get high all the time, but that part's kind of cool.)

I'm sad that Romance Novel Writing Month -- where we sit around eating ice cream for three weeks and then frantically crank out a story at the very last possible minute -- never took off.

To be fair, instead of putting any effort in to it, I just re-watched The Princess Bride a lot.

Attention my friends who are computer programmers: I just came up with the greatest idea for an app, if it doesn't already exist. It's a Krispy Kreme app that alerts you to whether or not your local Krispy Kreme has the "HOT NOW!" sign on or not. Please see me about how big you want your yacht to be, and how many strippers you want installed on board.

My idea for a movie is DOG WONKA. A crazy poodle leads a group of obnoxious puppies in to his milkbone factory, and drowns them.

I was fine with OSU students jumping in to Mirror Lake to celebrate Osama's death (an event usually reserved for drunken football victory celebrations,) until it was pointed out that these students were like, eight years old on September 11th.

I was ten when the Berlin Wall fell. I remember that it was important, I remember my mother telling me it was history, that people in East Berlin could finally visit my cousins in West Berlin, and wasn't that wonderful?

But most of all I just remember that Knight Rider was there and he was singing.

In Terminator 3, Skynet took the form of a computer virus to end the world. Jeff Goldblum used a computer virus in Independence Day to end the alien invasion. The Will Smith of I Am Legend was the only one to survive a virus that turned everybody in to weird vampire monsters. In conclusion if you want to survive being Predatored on the Predators planet, follow Alice Braga. Thank you.

7-11 was out of WWE Big Gulp cups. I could not get the Rowdy Roddy Piper slurpee I desired. So I purchased a Cowboys & Aliens cup that featured Daniel Craig's ass in chaps. This is what I call compromise.

Congress, please take note.

I want to add "and [popular item]" to the end of something and then somehow get a major book/tv/film deal out of it.

Like "To Have and Have Not and Shark Week".
"The Sound and the Fury and LOL Cats"
"The House of Mirth and Real Housewives of New Jersey"
"The Grapes of Wrath and Angry Birds"
"Brideshead Revisited By Ninjas"
"To Kill A Mockingbird and also Kill Bill"
"Frankenstein and Cogs and Gears and Shit"

If you're protesting big banks, don't go set up a tent in a park. Go to a big bank branch. Ask to open a savings or checking account. Fill out the paperwork as slowly as possible. Ask a million questions. When it gets to the part where you sign and open an account, have a change of mind and walk out. Do this every day at every bank you can. Bring 10 friends. Occupy the time of every bank employee. Be charming, polite, and entertaining. Eat all the complimentary lollipops, and take home all the brochures about home loans. Make origami, give it to sick children. And for God's sake, shower.

Just so you guys know, I will periodically post this video. For the rest of our lives. On any digital social network thing we happen to be on in 50 years, this will be posted. PROMISE.

Public Service Announcement. I have a guest comic at P.I. Jane today. It's also in their second collection (out now!) called Jane Day Mystery Stories Volume Two: The Weird Cases - I can't find a link, so you'll just have to see them at a convention and pick one up yourself!