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A few drinks before last call, this guy approached me, and successfully made a quarter disappear. Then he asked "Where do you think it went?"

"Probably down to your demon land, Devil," I replied.

He stormed off. You'd think people didn't like being called the Devil or something.

Today I went fishing for the first time since I was eight. It was fun. I caught a whole lot of weeds. Then I caught a whole lot of trees. A 15 inch bass jumped completely out of the lake about six feet in front of where I was standing, just to mock me.

"Ha ha," it was saying. "Your hair is stupid."

"I can't seem to find that two foot ceramic christmas tree!! It's GONE! I don't know where the big tree went to!"

"Mom, *I* have it."

"You do?"

"Yes. You gave it to me."

"I did?"

"Yes. You said, and I quote, 'Take this damn thing.'"

"I did?"

"Yes!"

"I don't remember that."

"Do you want it back?"

"Well, of course I do. Why would you want a two foot ceramic tree?"

Along with some of the other things they teach you in news reporter school, they teach you to have someone spell out their name on tape so that if you use a sound bite from them, you'll have the correct spelling as they gave it to you. So one of our videographers went to cover a "street baller" tournament here in town... I think it might have been part of the "And One" caravan.

He starts to interview this guy, and he asks him: "First, could you spell your name please?"

The guy goes: "Yeah, dawg. H. O. T, S. A. U, C. E."

There is a long pause. (A spelling-in-my-head pause.) You can see the camera move, as though the videographer were poking his head around the side in puzzlement.

"...Hot Sauce?"

"Yeah, Dawg. What?"

It was the most hilarious beginning to an interview I've seen in quite some time.

Went to rock show last night. Got drunk. Banged some heads.

Dan screamed "STOP SUCKING!" at the stage, because they are our friends and it's funny to make fun of your friends, except right after he said it the room went quiet, and the band actually ended their set right then due to technical difficulties. We felt the searing eyes of the disapproving crowd upon us, so Dan exclaimed "I DIDN'T MEAN IT! KEEP SUCKING!"

"Have you tried that new Coke Zero?"

"No. Is it like C2?"

"No. It's more like Pepsi One."

"But not like Pepsi Free?"

[confused stare]

"Heh. Pepsi Free. You know, like Back to the Future? 'Tab? I can't give you a Tab unless you order something.'?"

I just had the most peculiar experience.

I was outside, having a smoke, and standing under the lovely shade tree we have planted in our parking lot. A bunch of tiny birds lined up on a lower branch, and started... barking... at me. And they didn't stop until I'd put out my cigarette.

It was the most effective anti-smoking ad I've ever seen.

In highschool I worked at a baseball stadium and one of my bosses was this complete and utter humorless asshole. Frequently, before or way after a game, one of the crew would put an album on the P.A. system. (My favorite was the day someone put on Journey's greatest hits.) One night during break down, someone put on Under the Table and Dreaming, and goddamned if the humorless asshole didn't lose his fucking shit, dancing around the concourse, singing every single word to every single song. I will never again listen to Ants Marching the same way.