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I can't be the only person who, at least once a year, accidentally gets in to the wrong car thinking its theirs. That's not just me, right?

In related news, there are a lot of you leaving your doors unlocked in public parking lots.

Attention my friends who are computer programmers: I just came up with the greatest idea for an app, if it doesn't already exist. It's a Krispy Kreme app that alerts you to whether or not your local Krispy Kreme has the "HOT NOW!" sign on or not. Please see me about how big you want your yacht to be, and how many strippers you want installed on board.

You want to know why married people or couples who live together end up texting each other when they're both in the house? Because one of them's in the bathroom with the fan on, and the other has a question but can't leave the couch. That's why.

When I'm in Chicago and I ask for a glass of water, they ask me if I mean bottled water, and I say no, tap water. And sometimes they say "But it's lake water," and I reply "It's okay, I was raised drinking the Lake water," and they give me a weird look. Have some pride in your natural resources, Illinois, sheesh.

State Farm is an excellent insurance provider, but their new ad campaign isn't fooling me.

YOU'RE ACTUARIES, NOT WIZARDS.

And if I find out that you've been using my premium payments to build a teleporter that will save me from a charging rhino if I say your jingle loud enough, I am going to be so pissed.

I like how Ellen Page's friend is almost constantly drunk, but when she gets arrested for underage drinking, it's all Ellen's fault. I BLAME CISCO.

"Do we have a capo? Where is the capo?"

"Look in the thing. Or the box."

"I looked there! I can't find it!"

"Maybe the dog carried it off. To start a band. Called The Squirrelchasers."

Man, I thought the Columbus Zoo was in trouble when it accidentally lost a dozen prairie dogs. But the Bronx Zoo just lost a cobra from the reptile house. A cobra! I mean, it's literally a snake, so it's bound to be sneaky. You can't just turn your back on the reptile house, New York. Lesson learned?