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"Hey. Hey! Come play this game, it's fun!"

"What game?"

"This game where I click things!"

"You mean... rating movies on Netflix?"

"It's so fun!"

"This doesn't even make any sense."

"It doesn't have to, it's a Michael Bay movie."

"They didn't go to the dark side of the moon on Apollo 11."

"I know, but it's a Michael Bay movie."

"But it doesn't make any sense!"

"THE LAST ONE HAD ROBOT JESUSES IN IT, OKAY?"

There is apparently a category called "Romantic 20th Century Period Pieces from the 1980s." That's... really specific.

Witness is not on Watch Instantly. It should be at my beck and fucking call, goddamn fucking Amish, all the time. BUTTER CHURNING IN HIGH DEF.

Also, I think Nicolas Cage somehow falling in to, than out of, than back in to public favor -- with no one being able to pinpoint exactly when -- is going to be one of the 21st century's greatest mysteries.

Me: I said "I wonder how much IBM is paying for this" as a RT to Jack's Facebook post last night. I got the reply: "It's okay: they're probably using the money Hitler & Nazis paid them for equipment bought back in WWII." As if Nazis aren't allowed to compute! The very thought!

Laura: What's hilarious is the notion that IBM still has that money, and that we should hold it against them.

Me: Now I have the image of an IBM jar with "NAZI $$$" on the side. Like, sitting on the CEO's desk. "Sir, we're over budget." "Time to break in to the Hitler cash! LOL!"

Laura: Does BMW have a matching jar?

Me: No. They are frivolous.

"I need to take a picture of myself."
"Oh! I can do that for you."
"No offense, but you're not that great at taking pictures of me."
"But my camera is eight megapixels!"
"....Eight megapixels of terrible."

You notice how most Irish Folk Songs are about whiskey? They're not all bad, the Irish. They just want to have a good time. But we gave them a lot of crap when they first started arriving here. And there's nothing wrong with the Irish, they were just something new to resent.

It's like goths, really. They were kind of weird and we were mean to them because they acted sort of dark and mysterious. But compared to what came next, goths are the life of the fucking party. Next we got emo's, who are miserable little shits, and -- worse -- then we got hipsters, who are miserable little shits with money.

There is nothing more frustrating than someone who is just beyond help, and an emo kid will never be happy. Everything makes him sad and everything makes him loathe life. But at least that's tolerable when you realize they'll have to eventually grow up and get a job or die alone on the streets, and maybe like four percent of idiot teenagers actually choose to die in the gutter.

With hipsters, they can afford to never stop pretending like the things you enjoy are lame, but then also still enjoyable. Just admit it, hipsters. You like stuff that other people like, too. And if you weren't such assholes about it, we'd give you a day to celebrate with cheap beer and excessive vomiting.

Oh, and with songs about the cheap beer.

And how all women are scheming liars.