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Geekery: Today I put on my AC/DC Converse and I felt something under my heel. Turns out, it was a She-Ra sword.

I like the deus ex machina of someone getting important plot-related information from a sleep talker. The only useful things my husband ever says when he's unconscious are how to remove the air conditioner from the window properly, and how best I can fuck right off.

• Tacos
• Swearing
• Violence

"Why do people call babies 'beautiful'? Isn't it creepy to find an infant attractive?"

"It's not that kind of beautiful. It's like a flower kind of beautiful."

"The baby is like a sunset?"

"Yes."

"A sunset that poops."

Just watched the animation of the bullet path through Gabby Giffords's brain. God must really hate this Loughner guy. What are the chances that "always put one in the brain" doesn't work for you? Screwed. Screwed chances.

"For sure any movie [Ricky Gervais] makes he can forget about getting nominated [for a Golden Globe]. He humiliated the [Hollywood Foreign Press Association]last night and went too far with several celebrities whose representatives have already called to complain." -probably made up quote from an "HFPA insider" at PopEater

I'm so sorry you lost the popularity contest, Ricky. Now all you can do is win actual awards based on real merits, instead of purchased ones. Bad luck for you.

"The Larry Sanders Show is still funny, but kind of dated."

"You mean like in this episode we're watching where the guest stars are Gene Siskel, Warren Zevon, and John Ritter?"

"Yeah."

If anyone wants to know why I kind of hate Lord of the Rings, it's because all the black characters are ugly angry beasts literally pulled from the mud, but the white people live forever. (The midgets get high all the time, but that part's kind of cool.)

I'm sad that Romance Novel Writing Month -- where we sit around eating ice cream for three weeks and then frantically crank out a story at the very last possible minute -- never took off.

To be fair, instead of putting any effort in to it, I just re-watched The Princess Bride a lot.

I would like some advanced notice when Betelgeuse is about to explode, please. I have to get to the desert to try and take a Tatooine photo.

I think on the day I quit not only am I sending water skiing squirrel video to all the video placeholders, I may tackle a reporter during a newsroom live shot.

Friends to Keep:

"Y'all, let's get some tacos or something, I am HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF."

Friends to Drop:

"Who let the dogs out! Who Who Who! By the way, your poodle just got hit by a car."

"Why are green grapes a D+ on the Nutrition Meter?"

"Well... fruit has a lot of sugar in it."

"You can't get diabetes from eating too many bananas. If that were true, there'd be more one-legged chimps."

When we moved to this neighborhood, our home was inundated with restaurants that canvassed the area all summer, stuffing flyers in doors. Their full color brochures would have a menu, and a map illustrating where exactly they were located. This, I assumed, was so I could know how long it would take them to get to my house.

You see, a lot of the time during the week I don't have a car, and am stuck at home. So I was annoyed to discover that not one of these places delivered.

I found this all out the hard way -- by spending precious time picking out what it was I wanted to eat, calling up and ordering, and then hearing "That will be ready in ten minutes."

"Great," I'd say. "I'll just turn the porch light on."

"Oh, we don't deliver," they'd say. "Pickup only."

You know, maybe they should change their advertising strategy, then. Instead of a full menu, they can just put a photo of one of their more delicious dishes on a flyer, and underneath write: "Please see us."

her: I keep seeing the name "Starcorp," and imagining a factory that manufactures stars. Or I mistype it as "Starcop," which would also be awesome.

me: COP TO THE STARS!
me: Or, cop OF THE STARS
me: Maybe Cop Of the Stars to the Stars!
me: intergalactic celebutants
me: I like the idea of a green three headed Paris Hilton.
me: So repugnant. So rich.

I didn't think you could work out to the languid sounds of Stevie Nicks, but I sure gave it my best today. Apparently trotting along on the treadmill at a leisurely pace while punching the nothing in front of you is a good interpretive movement for "Dreams."

I was not aware that Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, and Johnny Cash actually recorded together and am now disappointed I can't launch my satire of the musical "Million Dollar Quartet": "Trillion Dollar Trio".

It was going to star Mozart, John Lennon, and Garth Brooks.

Is the fuel you use to deliver packages made of gold? Or perhaps it is made of baby unicorn tears. This is the only reason I can think of that would justify the $11 cost to ship a dozen cookies to California.

Suggested Items To Have In The Event Of Killer Snow Storm

• flashlights and batteries
  
• candles and matches
  
• extra blankets
  
• battery powered radio
  
• canned or dry foods

Items We Actually Purchased In The Event Of Killer Snow Storm

• beer
  
• pizza rolls
  
• beer
  
• wine
  
• beer

I don't like to stock up on non-perishable food items for a snow storm. I prefer to cook everything in the fridge, all at once. In the fireplace. Together. Even the fruit.

For more on how I deal with power outages due to icepocalypse, pretty much all of December '04 covers it.