First Conversation:

me: I'm looking on ebay for a gown to wear to the opera. Most of the dresses are either mother-of-the-bride dresses, which are fugly, or quincenera dresses, which are double fugly.

Piehole: What? You dont want to go dressed as a meringue?

me: Well, I do want to wear a big freaking gown. But not like, a hot pink gown.

Piehole: ack!

me: Seriously. Bad gowns. Welcome to 1963, now with more beads. Or, my favorite, the "I Went Blind On the Way To the Dressmakers" gown.

Piehole: holy SHIT!

me: One word. BOWS. It says "pink train" on the item description, but it should say "pink train WRECK."

Piehole: That's just... hilarious.

me: This dress is so horrible they blurred the girl's face. That's like a dress you buy a four year old when she wants to be Belle for Halloween. And there's a green one, too.

Piehole: oh... my... god...

me: I FOUND IT! I found the dress! Yes! This is the one! It's made out of the pelt from Clifford The Big Red Dog.

Piehole: Are those... FEATHERS?

me: I have no idea. It makes me laugh, though. I just found your dress! Pretty pink princess!

Piehole: HA HA!

me: This is being sold as a prom dress. If I had tried to wear this to prom, my mother would have never let me out of the house.

Piehole: err....... maybe its for the whore's prom?

me: I love how when you remove "formal" from the dress search you get muumuus in the results. Too bad I don't still fit in my homecoming dress. (HA!) You should've seen it. It was ALL SEQUINS.

Piehole: HAHA!!

me: AAAAAAAAAUGH MY EYES!

Piehole: OH GOOD GOD! Who is making these dresses?!?!

me: I know, it's awesome. It's like an explosion of bad taste. Speaking of explosions: Terminator 2 exploded on me. I call this look: "The T-1000 had an accident." If I had the money I would actually buy that dress just for that joke. But it's a $600 dress. This is why i'm not allowed to win the lottery.

Piehole: WTF?! They want HUNDREDS of dollars for hokey dresses? We're in the wrong business! We can totally do hokey.

me: I can do PIZZAZZ, if that's what you mean. And now I want to make a hot pink dress with gummy bears all over it. It'd sell like gangbusters.

Second Conversation:

me: I think someone is running a sweatshop on ebay. I just found a bunch of gowns for $11, but they are "custom order." Meaning, you're paying $11 for someone to make you a dress from a pattern. And the shipping is $150. Because the seller's location is "?? China".

laura: Definitely a sweat shop. Also, the dress will probably kill you.

me: From the item description: "A Good-fitting formal clothes can cause you bright-colored moving so we will proved your the best dress at pains." Well, I do want the best dress at bright colored pains.

TEN MINUTES LATER

me: The weirdest thing just happened. Earlier I found a dress that made me laugh because it looked like Terminator 2. And now the chinese sweatshop ladies say they can make it for $19. It's like they're spying on my gchats.

laura: are you going to get it?

me: No! They're charging $190 for shipping and don't speak English. Plus, it's ugly as fuck. Oh man. And there's more than one of these chinese seamstress rackets. Because here is another pocket of listings, only with better English and cheaper shipping rates. I'd just been assuming since they all were selling similar dresses that they were all the same person, but now I'm looking at the seller names... which are all different. Did they just get ebay in China or something?

Conclusion:

I should totally pay a Chinese lady to make me a Terminator dress. I definitely think that's how the apocalypse starts.