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I've been listening to a lot of Ace of Base lately. You think that's some sort of self-mutilation, like cutting?

I'm torturing myself with bad mid-nineties pop music because it makes me feel. I'd say I need a Xanax or four.

Everything at work just crashed, so now on top of having to do everything myself, I have to do everything manually. By myself. It would sound sexy if it wasn't pissing me off.

I just had the most peculiar experience.

I was outside, having a smoke, and standing under the lovely shade tree we have planted in our parking lot. A bunch of tiny birds lined up on a lower branch, and started... barking... at me. And they didn't stop until I'd put out my cigarette.

It was the most effective anti-smoking ad I've ever seen.

I can't remember what channel this was airing on or why we DVR'd it, but I'm glad it happened. It was unexpectedly sweet and very funny.

It starred the Mac kid and Lewis Black and that redhaired girl from the Strangers With Candy movie and the fat kid from The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. It also had Columbus Short, who is cute with or without nerdy glasses.

I mostly enjoyed the movie because it was full of "reject" type characters, but unlike every "geeks fight back!" movie in history, the kids were not painfully geeky. They were adorable geeky. It wasn't a cut-and-paste college humor movie, is what I'm saying. (Though I still love "PCU.")

Reporter Out On Live Shot At New Harry Potter Movie: ...and this movie is based on the last book of the series...

Me: OH MY GOD! NO IT'S NOT! TELL HER THAT!

Producer (on the phone with Reporter): Hey, you said it's the last book, it's not, it's the -- HEY, WHAT BOOK IS IT?

Me: OH MY GOD IT'S THE FIFTH BOOK!

Reporter: ...I'm sorry, I've just been informed that this is the second to last book of the series...

Me: OH MY GOD! NO IT'S NOT! TELL HER IT'S THE FIFTH BOOK!

Producer: I DON'T UNDERSTAND! What book is this movie based on?!?

Me: THE FIFTH ONE! TELL HER IT'S THE FIFTH ONE!

Producer: Well, I'M SORRY, I don't know anything about Harry Potter!

Me: THEN IT'S A GOOD THING YOU WROTE A HUGE STORY AROUND IT, OH MY GOD.

Cue: Phones ringing off the hook with angry viewers.

I have:

• less than 20 minutes before I leave work and go on my first real vacation in 2 years.
  
• to get up in less than six hours to get on a flight.
  
• surfed every site on the internet and am still bored.
  
• anxiety over the big poofy dress making it aboard my flight.
  
• less than 36 hours before I elope for the second time, this time hopefully successful.
  
• two Tylenol PMs in me, but also a bottle of Diet Coke so maybe they cancel each other out.
  
• a craving for In-N-Out burger that, for once, will be satisfied.
  
• impatience with the new Harry Potter book. Seriously, get here already.
  
• a Jessica Simpson hairpiece that I fully intend on wearing.
  
• to pee.

I'm married. In the actual married sense.

I'm also apparently some sort of delicious pastry.

More photos available at my photo site thingy, if you're totally in to other people's vacation photos.

Sample conversation during trip in Vegas:

Me: "Look how clean this neighborhood is! Everything here is quaint! And so clean!"

Him: "Clean?"

Me: "Yes! Tidy! Clean! Don't you think so?"

Him: "If by clean you mean sterile, then yeah."

Me: "It's not sterile! It's just new. Everything is new and shiny."

Him: "It's just dirt. And rock. Call me silly, but I prefer grass. And actual leafy trees."

Me: "Well, yeah, if you want to surround yourself with nature, pff."