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January 2007 Archives

January 11, 2007

V for Vendetta

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Andrew Lloyd Webber stopped writing horrible pop operas and started slicing people up in bullet time? Now you don't have to.

I never read the comic book, but I know Alan Moore has a penchant for angst, and apparently doesn't own a razor. But the movie is a little like a narcotic if you're watching it while on your period. I feel as though my hormones have been carbonated.

It's not every day you 'ship a vigilante burn unit victim and the 12 year old boy he keeps as a girlfriend. It's also not every day you weep for the fictional death of Stephen Fry, I don't imagine.

January 12, 2007

Attention: If You're Ovulating

-- then don't attend this show. For this band is so potent, you may be impregnated just by listening to their hot rock music.

(P.S. - I'll totally be there! Drinking booze! And listening to loud rock music! Just like my momma told me never to do!)

January 13, 2007

What To Do With Leftovers

Ikor Strzvskülich suffered from a great many maladies, not least of which was the spelling of his name. It had an umlaut, and a few too many consonants, and the last bit was only properly pronounced by someone who was attempting to clear their throat. Ikor knew his assimilation into polite society -- that is to say, the class of people that have nice, simple names like "Smith" and "Jones" which did not necessitate a hankie after introductions -- would require the truncation of his name in some form. But this sort of thing would be considered a slight, especially (but really mostly) by his own family of hunchbacks. They were already embarrassed by his situation, seeing as the traditional spelling of "Igor" was already futzed by the woman preparing his birth certificate, who had sneezed at exactly the wrong time.

So Ikor decided the best way to buy a quiet house in the country (where nary a belltower was seen for miles), settle down, and raise a nice flock of sheep, would be to truncate something else of his. Perhaps his nose, or the little flabby bits under his biceps, or, more likely, the hunch on his back. Yes, something needed to be amended, or whittled away, or (in the really dodgy parts) completely removed. Usually informal surgery was something that Ikor excelled at, as did most of his kind, but this type of major transformation was best left to the professionals.

In short, Ikor needed help. San Diego plastic surgery, world renowned for their rhinoplasty, and their success among Diegos, was what came to the rescue. Ikor's hunchectomy went off without a hitch, (the flabbotomy, however, not as good, but still not noticeable under indirect lighting.)

He opened a successful brewery on the West Coast. "Strzvskülich's Berry Brew," or, as it's known more locally, "Sss...Uuuuullll...Whatever, Two Pints Of The Blue Stuff, If You Please," is a hit with polite society. And it's all thanks to San Diego plastic surgery.

January 14, 2007

The Punisher

So... Thomas Jane takes his shirt off. Like, a lot. And some stuff blows up and some other stuff happens and Thomas Jane takes his shirt off.

I could've done without John Travolta's alarmingly expanding head filling up the screen for some of the time, but... Thomas Jane takes his shirt off. Like, almost more than he does in Deep Blue Sea. And that's something.

January 16, 2007

Dear Web Browser:

Please upgrade yourself. I need you to be able to decipher when I've typed something in the address bar incorrectly, and send me to the website I meant to go to originally, instead. Like when I type in "http://www.imbd.cm" you totally know what I mean, so stop playing around.

Jerk. Why you gotta be difficult, Netscape? Why you gotta play like that?

January 18, 2007

Note To Self:

The next time you want to drive 12 hours round trip for one rock concert, punch yourself real hard in the face instead.

January 20, 2007

Internally Revenue THIS!

I got my W-2 forms in the mail this morning and my tax return is already done and filed.

I swear to God, I'm not some ubernerd, I just really like money. The faster I can get extra money, the better.

(And since I don't make much in the first place, I never ever owe the government! HAHAHA! TAKE THAT, HIGHER TAX BRACKET!)

January 21, 2007

Dear Conspiracy Theorists:

I know you think vaccines and immunizations are the work of the devil and are really some sort of mind-control device designed to undermine your authority as a parent, and not, you know, actually a preventative measure to eradicate deadly or crippling diseases. I'm going to have Jonas Salk punch you now, so please remove your tinfoil hat.

Most states are trying to roll out mandatory HPV vaccinations and a few of you morons are having hissy fits. This is not like the government recording your phone conversations (you know, like they're doing now,) this is preventing your children from getting cancer.

Which of you assholes is like: "Hmm, I really don't want little Gillian's cervix to rot out... but I really don't want to have The Sex Talk with her, either. Sorry, Gilly! Cancer for you!" ?

January 22, 2007

Super Dumb Press Releases

So, a Blackhawk crashed on Saturday, killing all 12 soldiers aboard. (That's not the dumb part.) (Dumb shit like that happens on a regular basis in Iraq, it's why 80% of Americans might be slightly upset about things if things were slightly easier to get upset about.)

An internet site shows video of the helicopter wreckage, with some sweet Arabic Hip-Hop playing over it, and what I'm assuming is "Allah is great, take that, devil helicopter!" as a narration to the footage. (Take note, Jack Bauer: We shouldn't be afraid of the terrorists knowing how to detonate luggage-sized nukes, we should fear their increasing Final Cut Pro skills.) The Pentagon goes:

(Seriously, are you ready for this?)

The Pentagon goes: "Yeah, that crash might not have been accidental."

YA THINK?

About January 2007

This page contains all entries posted to Blog in January 2007. They are listed from oldest to newest.

December 2006 is the previous archive.

February 2007 is the next archive.

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