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When a guy writes serious Man Poetry, and then insists on reading the Serious Man Poetry... I will probably not be sleeping with him.

Man Poetry: It's my Kryptonite.

Golfwidow: Orgasms are good for the vascular system if you have migraines and they open your tearducts if you have sinus problems.

me: I have a lot of sinus problems that need opening up. Sometimes I need opening up after too many martinis.

Jesus Christ, no wonder our country lags behind in math and science. An autistic kid from Myanmar has more sense than half the users on MySpace.

We're out of vodka and there's a pile of laundry to do. Guess what I've been up to this weekend?

(Hint: NOT LAUNDRY!)

I don't want to have to slowly and painfully expire while listening to something really cheesy like "Eternal Flame." I certainly don't want some EMTs to find my lifeless body in a ditch, pinned beneath the wreckage of my burning automobile, and be like: "Dude, I'd pull her out and give her CPR, but I can't stand Bonnie Tyler."

I thought my freakish elf ears made it impossible for me to keep your earbuds from sliding out of my head. See, the instructions said to place the one marked "right" into my right ear, and the one marked "left" into my left ear.

But you didn't really mean that, did you? What you meant to instruct was: "And by 'left', we mean 'right,' dumbass." Perhaps when you wrote "follow these instructions" you forgot to add "J/K LOL!!1!!" to the end?

You suck.

Sincerely,
Elf Ears

Look out, world. I'm boring, I'm nerdy, I'm responsible, and I like wizards from the future. With sausage and pepperoni.