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"Could you run upstairs and grab me a clean pair of underwear? It's a girl emergency!"

"Okay!"

"Preferably something dark-colored, please!"

"Okay! ......Uh, where might I find something like that?"

"Top left dresser drawer."

"Okay! ....Here you go!"

"This is a pair of black thong underwear with little rhinestones across the front."

"Yeah!"

"I didn't even know I owned such an atrocity."

"It was in that one drawer!"

"These are no good."

"You said something dark! These are dark! They're black!"

"Okay, thanks. Now try something with an ass on it."

You know those people that think they're really funny, but instead of telling their own jokes or witty stories, really they just like quoting funny movies and trying to do impersonations of old Saturday Night Live skits?

Yeah, I hate those motherfuckers, too.

Today I smacked my head on the bottom of the bathroom cabinet. Then I would walk up to someone and say "I bumped my head," and point at my cracked skull. Their reaction was usually something like: "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"

I'm paraphrasing because I can't quite remember what was really said. Or, much of anything at all. What was I saying? Pantyhose. I hate them.

Is Britney saying: "...the taste of a poison parody"? Is that what's toxic? Bad satire?

Is it really "...the taste of poisoned Parrot Bay"? Because that might make some sense. I see her drinking coconut rum spiked with roofies.

Or is she just mispronouncing "Perrier"? What is it? I can't understand you, Britney! Speak up! OPEN YOUR MOUTH! Augh! Wait! Close it! Close it!

"Can I make out with Dave Grohl?"

"No."

"Just hypothetically."

"No."

"Can I make out with Jimmy Carter?"

"Yes."

"Awesome. I'm signing up for Habitat for Humanity right now."

Why is the television still on? Why am I being forced to understand the complexities of "curling"? What the hell is "curling"?

This is a defense for murder if I've ever heard one. "Your honor, he forced me to watch curling. I just wanted to go to bed."

I went out and bought a Smallville novel today because I was told there was a hot tub scene with Lex Luthor and Clark Kent.

My geekiness? Is out of control. I am in a Geek Shame Spiral.

"Look at what I bought for the new baby! This cute little track suit with matching sneakers! TEE HEE!"

"Track suit? Sneakers? Why did you buy a baby sneakers? He can't walk!"

"They're for his feet, stupid."

"HE CAN'T EVEN WALK, TARDFACE!!"

"HE HAS TO HAVE SHOES FOR WHEN IT'S COLD OUTSIDE, MORON!"

"THAT'S WHAT SOCKS ARE FOR, TURDBREATH!"

Has anyone tried the "Cheesy Bacon Sandwich"? It should really be called the "Cheesy Fucking Sandwich." This thing is huge. It's got like, eight kinds of cheeses, plus a cheese sauce, and I'm pretty sure a cheese bun. It's the size of my head. I ate a quarter of it and nearly threw up.

"Oh my God. Sour milk smells awful."

"AUGH! SPOILED CREAM! EVEN WORSE!"

"What is this? What is this? WHAT IS THIS?"

"Rancid.. spaghetti sauce.... is... BLARGGGGHBARFVOMIT..."

"When was the last time I made stew? Is this stew?"

"Jello can MOLD?"

"Brownies can MOLD?"

"Oh, hey! There's my gravy boat! When did--OH DEAR GOD."

These things?

These are a punishment in a 23 gram bag. STAY AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE HEXAGONS OF DISAPPOINTMENT!