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Everyone likes yelling at me and my parents are getting divorced.

Welcome to 2006. So far it fucking sucks.

Today I visited what I assume is the world's largest Victoria's Secret, with a lingerie maze of warehouse-sized rooms, which progressed something like this:

Normal, Expensive Panties
Panties for Larger Women
Push Up Bras
Scary Push Up Bras
The Whore-narium
Whore Town
Whore World
Perfume/Lotion/Makeup
Pajamas

Today I got locked out of the house and kicked my own door in. I'm like Wonder Woman!

...except, now my front door doesn't lock.

"Why are they running away, again?"

"They're not running away, they're trying to get to a party."

"So what's Jerry Reed doing with the semi truck? Is he with them?"

"Yes. The truck is full of beer."

"Full of beer? Did they steal it? Is that why they're trying to outrun the Smokeys?"

"Yes. No. I don't know if they stole it. And don't use the term 'smokeys'."

"Why don't they want anyone looking at the beer?"

"Because it's Coors."

"Is Coors a magical beer?"

"No, Coors can't be transported east of the Mississippi."

"...because it's magical?"

"What? NO. Because when this movie was shot, Coors wasn't allowed to be sold in the... you know what? Just be quiet."

"I still don't understand about the beer. Why do they need Coors? What's wrong with Budweiser? And how come they have to bring the beer to the party?"

"There's nothing wrong with Budweiser, they just wanted to steal the Coors."

"So they DID steal it!"

"Look, I don't know. All I know is, they want to drink Coors at a party in Georgia or somewhere, and so they have to smuggle the beer. Because it's Coors."

"Because it's magical."

"Yes, because it's magical."

"....where is the ambulance? And Dom DeLuise?"

"The... Oh my God. You're retarded."

"No I'm not! Where's Sammy Davis, Jr.?"

"That's CANNONBALL RUN!"

"Isn't that what we're watching?"

"Next time we rent a movie, you have to watch it by yourself first."

GolfTV Host: We're here at the Golfsmith headquarters! Today we're going to talk about why you might want to upgrade your shaft! Ken, what can you tell us about obtaining a better shaft?

Ken: Well, first of all, you might want to consider this kind of shaft.

GolfTV Host: What makes this shaft better?

Ken: This is a considerably stiff shaft.

GolfTV Host: That's a high performance shaft!

I propose that we change the "Recently Hired" employee postings with "Recently Fired." Let the new folks get to know who they're replacing. "See that, Janet in Sales? Robert really liked Backdraft. And making personal long distance phone calls. Watch your ass."

Co-Worker: "My favorite band? The Goo Goo Dolls."

Me: "HAHAHAHA! Mine's Nickleback."

Him: "HA HA HA HA! HA HA! No wait, no wait, mine's: The Red Hot Chili Peppers!"

Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha! HA HA! Okay, my favorite band is: Coldplay!"

Him: "Coldplay's so obvious. Like the Dave Matthews Band."

Me: "FUCK YOU! YOU LOVE THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND!"

Him: "HA HAAAA! Oh yeah, well you love Uncle Cracker."

Me: "HA HA! FUCK YOU! You love Savage Garden!"

Him: "HAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU SAID SAVAGE GARDEN! HA HA HA!!"

Co-Worker: "Uh... my favorite band really is The Goo Goo Dolls."