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Congratulations. You're a moron. Unless you have something to do with the signing of my paychecks -- in which case you're very resourceful, sir. Good on you. If you're wondering how those dents got in your front bumper, it's probably because you park directly in front of the employee gate, which makes it impossible for anyone to go in or out without climbing over your hood. But if you want a name, I'll tell you who did it: It was Steve.

When you come home for a nooner, except you work an afternoon shift so your lunch break is really a dinner break, what do you call it? A Supper Fuck? A 2nd Shift Nooner?

In its tireless race to remain oblivious to the rest of the world, China hopes to put a man on the moon in fifteen years.

"Anything worth doing is worth doing right," said China.

The government plans on building a manned space station within twenty years, then hopes to create a more energy efficient light bulb in thirty years, and for a big finale, they'll invent something they're tentatively calling the "internet" by the year 2055.

"Xiang is partial to the name 'computerweb,' while I much prefer the moniker: 'ultimate source of geisha fullfillment,'" said one space program official.

Of course, the first step towards advancement is usually finding a way to supply the country with electricity and indoor plumbing, luxuries most of rural China lives without. But ultimately, the country's major obstacle will be its lack of what Chinese President Hu Jintao calls "Mad Money".

"If we could find a way to cut back on the Federal Budget, I think it would be possible," said Jintao. "We're thinking of either reducing our spending on Food for Fireworks, or possibly eliminating 'No Child Left Behind... Except For The Women, Yeah, We Don't Need You' program." The President further added: "You know somebody who wants a DVD of Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire? Because I could hook them up. I got region one AND region two, bitches."