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Imagine the surliest, most unpleasant person you have to work with every day.

Now imagine that you've just overheard him loudly singing along to a bad pop ballad from the 80's.

I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do with that.

My favorite quote of late was from a story we ran interviewing a confessed murderer in jail, who stabbed a mother-of-two to death (allegedly). His explanation? "I was trying to get her off me, yo. She was attacking me. They weren't 'stabs.' They was more like 'pokes.' "

The reporter's tag was actually: "Yeah, the police aren't buying that explanation, either."

Ha ha ha, whoops. I don't think we published the exact location, but somehow, someone got ahold of the address for a cop-who's-accused-of-rape, and burned his house down.

Me: "That'll teach us to show people's homes on air."

Reporter: "That'll teach a cop to rape a 15 year old."

I finally received the laptop I won from your Ebay auction. However, you have left a slew of MP3s on the hard drive for me to discover and chortle at. Witness a list, misspellings are yours, and are emboldened:

- Lords of Acid
- Marvin Gay
- Limp Biscuit
- Cat Stevens
- Lenny Kravitz
- Nelly Frutato
- Staind
- Sarah Maclaughlin
- Nine Inch Nails (with incorrect song titles)
- Kylee Menogue
- an entire OMD album, but it wasn't labeled which album, and it didn't have "If You Leave" on it, so I'm not sure which one it was, but who the fuck knows any other OMD songs except "If You Leave" and isn't from the UK?

This is just a small sample of what appears to be your "eclectic" tastes. Along with more crap like this, there is honestly a playlist labeled "SMOOOOOTH JAZZ." I mean, seriously. Isn't it enough that I had to buy a used, outdated iBook, but now you have to prank me with this? Not cool.

Sincerely,
Member #5812323773

The best thing about Smallville is the fact that weird stuff keeps happening, like teenagers suddenly being able to shoot fireworks from their fingertips, and townspeople just shrug it off like "Well, this is Smallville, after all." I've never been to Kansas, but is it so boring there that the averageness makes the otherwise unbelievable merely mundane? You'd think, with the proliferation of teenagers developing acute superpowers, there'd be a PTA meeting somewhere in there to intervene. I keep expecting one of the band geeks to suddenly be able to dissappear into a cloud of smoke, and then go on a smoke-killing rampage, obliterating members of the pep squad, and the writers will grind it all down to a "See, smoking is Bad, kids," moral.

I haven't actually seen this movie, but Joe Rogan has, and his take on it is pretty funny.

While waiting in the dark for our showing of "The Aristocrats" to start, there was a trailer for this documentary, which won some sort of award at Sundance, or Cannes, or whatever other fucking pretentious film festival is posing as the second coming of Jesus On Film. I'd never even heard of this Bear Guy, but as the preview continued on, I became confused. Why was a gay hippie running around with grizzly bears? Was he a scientist? A Bearologist? Who the fuck was this guy?

"Who the fuck is this guy?" I asked.

"He's that dude that lived with bears and then they ate him."

"Did he live with bears because he's gay?"

"No, the bears mauled him because he's gay."

"You sure they didn't maul him because he's nuttier than a shithouse rat?"

I gathered a few observations from the preview:

(1) This man clearly has no formal training in how to live with bears.
(2) This movie looks hilarious, but only in a "Trekkies", "let's make fun of the crazies" way.

All these things Mr. Rogan confirms, if you read his post first. It makes me want to rent the movie even more. Notice, if you will, that I said "rent." That's because I'm pretty sure my laughing hysterically in the theater is not going to go over well with the serious bear documentary loving community. Also, you can check out the halfwits at the IMDb getting beligerent over the whole "gay as a room full of dicks" thing.

I think what I can assume to be true from this information, without even having to see the movie, is that Bears Are Easily Annoyed. But it takes thirteen years of latent homosexual tomfoolery before the bears eat you. The end.

From:Assignment Desk
To: Employees
[Redacted Name], phone number XXX-XXXX of [Name of City] called to say that two girls in a black pickup pulled up to her porch and stole one of her dwarfs from her snow white and the seven dwarfs display. Apparently the mail deliverer saw this transpire. Anyway, these things are 2 feet tall and the girls stole "Dopey". [Redacted Name]'s husband got these statues from his mother and is quite upset about the loss of "Dopey". The set is valued around $700. She has pictures of "Dopey" as well.

From: Me
To: Employees
I can not believe this. This is the best story I've ever heard. We're going to win an Emmy! Let's put it in the lead right away. Send the chopper out, too. I won't rest until we've got team coverage. Can we get someone to work the Jesus angle on this? Does God hate lawn dwarfs? Tonight at eleven. Also, I want a flashy graphic created right away: Diabolical Dwarf-napping Duo. I don't care if the Art Department went home. Page someone. We need graphics.

You want to know what just irritates the shit out of me?

Safari.

That's right, I said it. Whaddya gonna do, Mac users, beat me up and tell me I can't be in the Apple Club anymore? Well, kiss my ass. Safari sucks.

I am now officially an employee at The Mall. I have never worked at a mall before. I am very excited about working at The Mall. It seems fun. I do not have to work at The Mall every day, just some days. Also, they are paying me a lot more than I deserve to earn to work at The Mall.

I like money.

The end.

For the past month, I have been told that my birthday gift has "totally" already been picked out. This got me all excited. Presents! Actual things!

However, starting last night, he began bothering me for gift ideas. "What is this?" I said. "For the past three weeks, you've been refusing to tell me what you've got planned, but now you want gift ideas? Are you a liar? Are your pants on fire?"

He asked: "What do you really want? Something other than a dog. OR A PONY," he quickly added, before I could say: "A PONY!"

He knows me so well.

Don't let the title fool you. This is not about wacky Chinese college students getting stuck out in the woods and having to kick some zombie ass with a chainsaw. This is about vampires, and eggs, and small boys peeing, and rice, and talking about peeing.

I originally picked this movie off of Netflix because it has Gordon Liu in it, and I like Gordon Liu. (This is where your Poser Detector should go off: "What movies," you should ask,"have you seen starring Gordon Liu, other than Kill Bill?" I would respond: "Shut up." Followed by: "The reason I'm renting more Gordon Liu movies is because I liked him in Kill Bill -- is doing research a crime? No? Shut up again.")

This movie looked like it was shot by the Power Rangers director, while the Power Rangers television show was on summer hiatus. Only instead of cool matching spandex biker uniforms, there's a lot more talk of pee. The audio options were: a dub in Mandarin Chinese, a dub in English, and a dub in "Simple Chinese." None of these audio dubs matched up to what the actor's lips were doing. Even though I watched it with the English subtitles, it still bothers me when the lips don't match up.

Other than that, it would have been a good movie, except for the constant talk about peeing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against scatalogical humor -- I just don't want exploding bathrooms in my kung fu films. I especially don't want to watch a ten year old boy give birth to a baby vampire. That's just bizarre.

By the end credit roll, I was left with many questions. My first question was: "Where's the rest of the movie?" My second question was: "Why is there a bunch of really cool shit happening during the credits that wasn't in the movie?" And my third question was: "No really -- is there more movie? Am I missing something? Like the rest of the movie?"

Some research let me know that Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead was just released last year, and apparently a Kill-Bill-Style part two is in the works. Well, hooray. You could have maybe warned me ahead of time, by, oh, I dunno, naming it "Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead Part One"? Give me a break, I'm American, okay? I can't figure this out for myself. I just get angry.

Aside from satiating my Keanu lust, this was actually quite a good film. I've heard it compared to American Beauty about nine hundred thousand times. Let me tell you why this is not American Beauty (a movie I like and own on DVD,) and in fact, is nothing like American Beauty: The characters in Thumbsucker were fucked up, but in a way I found to be refreshingly realistic. The characters in American Beauty were just fucked.

For instance, who do you know that would stand around for an hour, filming garbage floating down the street? American Beauty was great and all, but I would never want to make friends with any of the crazies in that film. But I'd love to have Vince Vaughn and Benjamin Bratt and Keanu Reeves as quirky little supporting character roles in the story of my life.

I overheard something at the movie theater last week. I was getting my usual (a soft pretzel), and the woman next to me was ordering a large popcorn with five waters. She had four kids with her, all appeared to be under the age of 11. And she said "Yes, water only, please. My kids don't like soda pop."

Yeah, right, lady. That's like saying "I don't get high when I smoke crack." They're bound to make friends with someone whose parents don't have the same agenda. And you know what happens when they get ahold of the sugar and caffeine. Next comes cigarettes, then pot, then heroin, and finally horse tranquilizers.

Top Five Things I Learned About Wonder Woman:

5. Cape chafing.
4. Forearm sweating.
3. No where to put the Wonder Smokes.
2. Wonder Bustiers.
1. Tiaras are totally comfy.