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Ohio should really change their state motto, or at least their state tourism slogan, to: "OHIO! We've got all the crazy you can stand!"

I must be having a mid life crisis or something. I am just entirely MEH about the whole world right now. I do nothing and care even less. What I most aspire to do is sit at home all day, listen to Guero, and pretend I'm Wonder Woman.

Help me, Internets. Is there some sort of pill I can take to become a productive member of society again? It has to be a pill that's easy to obtain. Because I only have effort to do one or two steps. If the instructions for care are any more complex than that, I'm not having any of it.

You know, maple syrup is just tree barf, right? So why do we put it on our pancakes?

This is my impression of our vacation to Washington D.C.:

Walking, walking, walking. Lots of walking. Sweating. Walking. Walking. Still walking. Walking, more walking. Walking. Feet hurt. Swearing. Walking. Sweat-soaked t-shirts and sloppy sweaty ponytails. WALKING. WALKING. WALKING. SWEET LORD, the walking never ended.

Then we walked some more.

I think it's a good idea that I stop smoking simply because I just spent $4.50 on a pack of Marlboros and I can't find where I put the goddamn things. I didn't even get to smoke one.

Is it possible to have OCD and also be extremely lazy and unmotivated? I think it is. Although it may be some sort of new, undiscovered psychological social disorder. I'll name it: "Oh My God This Needs To Be Cleaned Immediately Someone Pass The Fruit Snacks I'm On Level Three Of This Dungeon And I've Still Got All My Life Hearts Oh Fuck It" Personality Disorder.

"Do you see that?"

"No. What?"

"That. Right there."

"I don't see it."

"Right there."

"Where?"

"RIGHT THERE. God, what are you, blind?"

"I can't see where you're pointing."

"I'm pointing directly in front of you. How can you miss it?"

"....I just don't see it."

"IT'S RIGHT THERE!"

"WHERE?"

"I can't believe it. You're totally blind."

"OH! Over THERE! I was looking somewhere else."

"[audible sigh.]"

I know it's hard to imagine, but your state may be plagued by the occasional hurricane. Perhaps you should rebuild your houses out of brick instead of whatever it is you're building them out of now. I assume it's a special falling-down lumber.

Old people, especially, listen up: It's a bad idea to try and hit the early bird special when there's been three feet of rain. I'm not saying for sure that you'll get stuck in the middle of the road on the way to Shoney's, but it'd probably be better if you moved to Arizona instead. They don't have daylight savings time there. It's a dry heat. Think about it.