I truly need to get out more, before I start collecting stray kittens and stockpiling back issues of People magazine -- towers of gossip which will undoubtedly collapse under their own weight and bury me alive in my own living room.

I am collecting magazines, VHS tapes full of "really good episodes" of ER and CSI that I cannot dispose of, candy wrappers, empty cigarette boxes, and spoons. Everywhere, spoons. My god, the spoons.

How did I get this many stray spoons? I don't even have that many bowls! The ratio of dirty cereal bowls to crusty spoons is astoundingly lopsided.