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I truly need to get out more, before I start collecting stray kittens and stockpiling back issues of People magazine -- towers of gossip which will undoubtedly collapse under their own weight and bury me alive in my own living room.

I am collecting magazines, VHS tapes full of "really good episodes" of ER and CSI that I cannot dispose of, candy wrappers, empty cigarette boxes, and spoons. Everywhere, spoons. My god, the spoons.

How did I get this many stray spoons? I don't even have that many bowls! The ratio of dirty cereal bowls to crusty spoons is astoundingly lopsided.

Aside from starring Hank Azaria, Bill Murray, Cherry Jones, both John and Joan Cusack, Susan Sarandon, John Turturro, Emily Watson, Cary Elwes, Jack Black and Kyle Gass (AKA, Tenacious D,) and Vanessa Redgrave (with a hilarious Paul Giamatti playing her sidekick,) it was written and directed by Tim Robbins. So I have no idea why the sheer star power alone in this thing didn't help get it off the ground, box-office sales-wise, let alone win it at least three Oscars. Some jerks at the IMDB message boards are claiming the movie was "boring" for the first hour, but those people don't count. Mostly because they probably can't sit still more than twenty minutes when people are talking, and therefore don't deserve to be counted.

The other night I watched a documentary on PBS that blew my fucking mind. It was called "Alone In The Wilderness", about a guy who decided to plunk down on the side of a mountain for 51 years.

The first year he spent building a log cabin from scratch -- and when I say "from scratch," I mean, all he brought with him were the metal ends for his tools. He got up in the woods, whittled out a few axe handles, some sawhorses, and then built a log cabin entirely on his own. I mean, he was hauling HUGE logs down a mountainside all by himself.

About half way through, Dan looked at me and said: "I bet this guy could kick Norm Abram's ass."

I mean, this dude carved his own spoons and bowls. We're not just talking about planting a little garden and doing a little fishing... he built his outhouse by himself, carved out hinges for the doors, and had a kitchen that makes mine look like it was built by a retarded four year old. I was in awe.

"Breaking News" constitutes: "Michael Jackson's van is driving! Down the street! OH MY GOD HE'S DRIVING DOWN THE STREET! Let's discuss."

Individually wrapped Twizzlers are simultaneously the smartest, and the most wasteful things on the planet.

Having an always-fresh string of red licorice is just something that cannot be beat. But creating a pile of plastic wrap leftovers gnaws at the conscience a bit.

As we are returning from the store, putting away groceries:

Him: I have your deodorant here. Where should I put it?

Me: Upstairs, where I put on my deodorant.

WHAT NOT TO SAY:

Him: You put on deodorant?!?

I got an unusually large paycheck this week, no doubt due to my working ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Am I the only one who looks at that big, fat, round number sitting in my checking account, and gets the urge to stuff my pockets full of cash and run down the street, buying to my heart's desire? Because you know I'm just going to go home and pay bills. But dude... it'd be so fun to be able to blow a thousand dollars on Beef Jerky and DVDs. Wouldn't it?

You know what I'd do with Hilton-heir money? Aside from the usual purchases one would make if they hit the lottery, I think I'd buy a "quick oil change" place. And the company policy? Would be to shut up and change the fucking oil.