Blog

Brassed Off - Oooh, vintage Ewan MacGregor. The movie is great. And a tear-jerker. And funny. Did I mention great?*

Whale Rider - It made me cry like, 4.85 times harder than Brassed Off, but it was still SO GOOD.

Both movies include people speaking with accents, which is always a plus, and that indie-movie feel. Probably because they were indie movies. But whatever, they were great.

The other night I dreamt I was a glass of orange juice.

This is where, if we were talking in person, I would throw up my hands in utter bewilderment, and probably shrug and give you a "DON'T ASK ME, I DON'T KNOW!" look.

HOLY CRAP! There's a Trekkies 2?? Why did no one tell me? HELL YES, I'M RENTING IT! Thank you, Netflix! Maybe i'll have to purchase the appropriate clothing to wear while I'm watching it.

HAHAHAHA! Just received on the wire:

Slug: NN-VIEWER-CALLS
Status: URGENT

STATIONS:

ELVIS HAS BEEN SIGHTED AT NEWSPATH. Well, at least according to one affiliate -- which is giving the [CBS] Newspath number out to viewers. Please, it's for your use only, NOT ELVIS FANS.

We don't have Elvis info. We haven't seen him in years. All the info about tonight's Elvis special can be found at www.cbs.com. Please direct your callers accordingly.

We love taking calls from our affiliates about breaking news, file tape requests, and what we had for dinner. Viewers can call 212-975-4321.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

GEOGRAPHY:

"Ooh, what's that state? I recognize the shape, but what is it?"
"What, you mean Kentucky? The state right below us?"
"That's Kentucky? Wait, this is Ohio? I thought Kentucky was like... farther south."
"We ARE south. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE KENTUCKY IS!"
"Shut up."

"What state is Pittsburgh in? Pennsylvania? That doesn't sound right."
[Incredulous look.]
"Shut up."

SCIENCE

"Dude, I loaded this glass with ice cubes before I poured my soda in, but now the ice is melted and it hasn't spilled over the sides yet. What is up with that?"
"What is up with what?"
"Why didn't the melted ice overflow the glass?"
"You can't be serious."
"What? There was a LOT of ice in there!"
"It's called displacement. Look it up in a highschool textbook some time."
"... Shut up."

POP CULTURE

"Hey! I just realized that the 'Ed' character from Northern Exposure sort of looks like Johnny Ramone! You think that was intentional? I mean, the hair, the leather jacket--"
"The way he always wore a Ramones t-shirt..."
"........"
"Yeah, I know. 'Shut up.'"

NATURE

"Look! I bought organic lettuce!"
"This isn't lettuce. This is cabbage."
"No way! It's really pretty, ruffly, green, green, lettuce... Or... wait."
"Trust me. We're not going to put this on our B.L.T's."
"Shut up."

Can we stop having weddings at Wal-Mart? Please? I mean it.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP, STOP.

"Personal style" is just the assertion through repetition that one's flaws are actually trendsetting.

I'm sorry, did I miss something? Am I the only person on the planet who hated -- HATED -- the CSI season finale? Why is everyone patting each other on their backs over this? Somebody should seriously be kicking Quentin Taratino in the nuts right now, and I am not kidding.

Dear Golfwidow:

I do not think Those Men Of Ours are being taken over by aliens and turned into pod people at all. I've decided it's a viral infection. A temporary brain affliction.

Otherwise, why else would -- for instance -- That Man Of Mine speak strongly about his disdain for all "new" Star Wars movies, veto the option to see a midnight showing with "all the nerds", and then turn around and DEMAND I go to a showing with him tomorrow morning? Was it not he, who, four days ago, said: "Yeah, Episode II, I remember that... they rode around on those gay dinosaur things and did a lot of frolicking in fields. Gay." ?

My only hope is that this severe personality disorder returns to normal as quickly as That Man Of Yours's did. Did you treat his sickness with any sort of over-the-counter medicines? Like NyQuil? I think NyQuil would get rid of a brain affliction, don't you?

Sincerely,

~Me

I'm starting a new Blog Fad for this week. It's called: "Kung Fu Speak Week," or didn't I already establish that with the title of my entry? Basically, try to incorporate a confusing riddle in all your entries.

Subject: Question:
From: Golfwidow
To: Me

I love that idea, but don't have any clue what I would put. "Better to sip Canadian beer and be thought a snob than to gulp Coors and be thought a fool"?

Re: Answer:
From: Me
To: Golfwidow

"Only the fool knows that the ale he drinks is superior to the ale he doesn't."

Gandolf's magic is so hit-and-miss... he can talk to giant birds, he can skewer dragons, he can make bright lights blind people -- but never when you really need it. It's like he's going through wizard puberty.