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FUCK. Mitch Hedberg died. This is fucking terrible. Damn.

The following are some of my favorite jokes from Mitch.

(In order of my favorite, most quoted by me going first.)

"I opened up a can of yogurt, and under the lid it said 'Please Try Again' -- because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'"

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I went to see a doctor, but all I got was my blood sucked. DO NOT GO to Dr. Acula."

"I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and I had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick? ::zip:: :::zip::: Fuck you."

"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"My apartment is infested with Koala Bears. Its the cutest infestation ever."

"I was at this casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. 'Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey... this song is funky.'"

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's WAY MORE SATISFYING. You're supposed to yell FORE. But I was too busy mumbling: 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."

"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you must insert a pause."

"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived instead. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"

"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. 'Mitch's Pizzaria... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.'"

"At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."

"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say: "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while. When I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."

"I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, 'Let me have a bun.' But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, 'Alright, well, put some lettuce on it,' which she did. She said, 'That'll be $1.75.' I said, "It's for a duck.' And they said, 'All right, then it's free.' See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. 'Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there! And they all want Sun Chips!'"

I've decided that people who don't fart in their sleep are probably facists. I mean, Christ. If you can't even feel comfortable enough to fart while you're unconscious, when can you fart?

"Did you use my camera?"

"No."

"Did you touch it at all today?"

"No."

"Then why is there a picture of the lens cap from an hour ago?"

"Oh yeah. I was zooming in and out on it."

"Yeah? Did you drop it?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"YES. I didn't do anything to it."

"Well, that's funny, because it was working perfectly fine the last time *I* used it, and now, since YOU'VE used it, it's broken."

"It can't be broken."

"IT'S BROKEN. THE SHUTTER MIRROR IS OBVIOUSLY BROKEN."

"Is that bad?"

"YES. THAT IS BAD."

"Well, I didn't do it."

::::head explodes::::

Thrills! Chills! Hot Topless Men! Excitement!

If you enjoy witty, clever, things-blowing-up popcorn movies, and can stomach Penelope Cruz for two hours (even if you, like me, can't -- I assure you she doesn't talk much,) Sahara is pretty kickass. It has Steve Zahn, first of all. That should be the only thing I have to say. Everyone loves Steve Zahn.

Of course, I did have to get past the first twenty minutes, where all I could hear was my brain screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE SAYING? I swear, I cannot understand a GODDAMN WORD that comes out of her mouth. SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Then she gets captured and smacked around a bit, so she doesn't talk much. And Steve Zahn blows some stuff up. And the creepy guy from Six Feet Under who's now on The American Version of The Office is funny, and did I mention Matthew McConaughey walks around without his shirt a lot?

I went and played poker with BOYS last night, BOYS I DIDN'T KNOW, and beat them in two out of four rounds. Let me tell you, they were SO PISSED that Jeff brought me, "the ringer", to poker night. They kept threatening to stab him. I asked if I could get a punch in to the head for $1.

What a terrible waste of talent. I mean it. And it's no one's fault by Robert Rodriguez's. He's gone all George Lucas. Too busy worrying about how to make the effects look super cool, without giving any attention to the actors. ACTORS, people! They're actors. Most of them can't even think up something clever to say on their own, let alone walk and emote at the same time. DAMN YOU, CGI! It's all your fault! You are a cruel temptress! You've ruined all who have trusted you! Lucas, the Wachowskis, Spielberg, Raimi, and now my beloved Robert Rodriguez. WHO'S NEXT?

New music.

Dear Brenda.

Fuck off!

That song was tits. Not only are you using my BR-8, which I miss and will let you have for another year, but you covered a super Nuetral Milk Hotel song and did it justice. Very good. And your vocals don't suck. Quite awesome. Who did the music on it?

Missing making music,

David

Did you hear that? We get the BR-8 for another year! Ha ha ha! Suck it, South Korea! You get Dave for another year!

Gareth asks:

Over here news gets sensationalised a lot, particularly in the papers, and what I saw when I was in New York a couple of years ago suggested the US was no different. How much do you see that going on where you work?

Yes, of course we're sensationalized. Everyone is. I'll give you two examples. Number one is the Michael Jackson trial. Number two is the Michael Jackson trial.

I never realized I could care so much for professional Scrabble players. I never realized I would be using the term "professional Scrabble players" in reference to actual events.

I am the only one who thinks the new Pope sounds a lot like an Indiana Jones villain?