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I think I may have developed a wicked case of the stomach flu, and I'm sure Intense Barre Chord Training is to blame. One can only contort their arm and strain their elbow into so many painful positions before the rest of the body strikes back. It's kind of like a Star Wars movie, only my thumb is Darth Vader, ready to dampen the E string at any given moment. I suppose that would make my stomach the Millenium Falcon, ready to give back its contents -- pretty much on command, as I've discovered -- at light speed.

I could not find an online source for this story, so I'm copying and pasting from our own wire service. This is almost too unbelieveable to be true:

Four Year Old Steals Car, Joyrides To Video Store:

Date: 2/6/2005
Title: MI Preschool Driver/Video
Dateline: Sand Lake, MI
Source: NNSWXMI

Early Saturday morning (2/5), a 4 yr-old boy drove to the local video store in his mother's car. The preschooler made it to the store, about a quarter of a mile away, driving under 10 miles an hour.

After noticing that the store was closed, the boy headed home. That's when local police spotted his car. Police say that the car was swerving all over the road, and they didn't see anyone behind the wheel. They followed the car to a nearby apartment complex. Upon entering the complex parking lot, the car hit two parked vehicles. When the car finally came to a stop, it was only a few feet away from the apartment building. The child then put the vehicle into reverse and rammed into the police cruiser that had parked behind it.

Officers couldn't believe who they saw behind the wheel. The mother, alerted by one of the neighbors, said that she had no idea that her son had left. The mother said that her son had tried to drive the car before, but she had stopped him. However, police believe that the mother had unintentionally taught her son how to drive, by letting him sit on her lap while she was driving.

All the damage the 4 yr-old caused amounts to about $600 dollars for the police cruiser and a couple of hundred dollars for the neighbors' cars, but there won't be any charges filed. The mother of the driver was not available for comment.

Do you punish that kid, or just get premium cable and hide the car keys?

Last night we watched the documentary Gigantic, about uber cool band They Might Be Giants. It was good, but not in the way you'd expect from a band like They Might Be Giants.

After it was over, I told Dan: "You're my favorite rock star that I have sex with."

I couldn't hear what he mumbled back, but it sounded like "Thank you." (It better have been "Thank you.") (Maybe I should say these things when he's awake.)

The most awesome part of buying a new washer and dryer is where we got it from.

We bought it from a guy who looked like a car mechanic, and was smoking in the store. (That is, he was smoking a cigarette, he was not literally on fire.) Can I remind you that there are now stringent non-smoking laws in Columbus? And that just yesterday a pub was fined a large amount for ignoring the law and continuing to let their patrons smoke indoors?

This used appliance dude was a rebel. He knocked $50 off the price of our washer/dryer set, and offered us free delivery, and he smoked in the middle of the freaking store. Did I mention the glass eye? HE HAD ONE EYE!

We bought our washer and dryer from a pirate. How fucking cool is that?

I'm delighted to tell you that I am still testing the limits of cellular phones and their resistance to water.

First attempt: Dropping phone in toilet. Resistance: low.

Second attempt: Sent cel phone through washing machine cycle. Ran two whole loads through the wash before I noticed new camera phone sitting at bottom of washing machine basin. Resistance: dwindling. Still makes noises and flashes lights occasionally.

Neither attempt has been fruitful. A new phone is on its way to me as we speak. I don't believe there is a swear yet invented to convey my frustration at destroying yet another piece of expensive technology due to my stupidity.

Scoreboard of Destruction:

Televisions: 3
MP3 Players: 1
Cell Phones: 2

After the forty third hour into the epic that is "Brazil," I just wanted to throw something at the television, but was too tired. Then I just wanted to watch "Pirates of the Carribbean."

I settled on making jokes about Pink Floyd's "The Wall" instead, because of the similarities I found between the two movies. Particularly funny was when I shouted "You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat" during one of the thousand scenes where someone is dragged away by a S.W.A.T. team wearing shoulder pads.

Or maybe it was just funny in my head. Dan was not amused.

"You just don't like this movie because there aren't any breasts, or things getting blown up."

"On the contrary, there have been many random explosions in this movie, one of them right at the beginning, and oh look! There's a tit now!"

My fulfilled prerequisites for boobs and fire still did not sway my opinion of "Brazil" in the positive direction, however.

Leet-speak article:

Rules of grammar are rarely obeyed. Some leetspeekers will capitalize every letter except for vowels (LiKe THiS) and otherwise reject conventional English style and grammar, or drop vowels from words (such as converting very to "vry").

Mistakes are often left uncorrected. Common typing misspellings (typos) such as "teh" instead of "the" are left uncorrected and may be adopted to replace the correct spelling altogether.

In other words, Parents: Your children are slowly becoming more and more retarded.

Typical email exchange between my brother and I. In this one, he's thanking me for the $100 I sent him for Christmas.

Me:

Dear Brother,

This money is for booze. AND BOOZE ONLY!

Him:

thanks for the card and the money, it should provide me at least a couple days worth of entertainment at the bar up here over spring break next week.

Me:

Oh good. Because I stole your drum machine last week.

Am I the only moron in the world who cannot operate packing tape without somehow getting hair, lint, and assorted other fun stuff caught up in it? I would never be able to be a serial mail bomber or anything. There'd be enough of my DNA all over the masking tape to pinpoint me within at least three years. (Because, if we're going by Wichita standards, it takes 31 years to catch a serial killer.)