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I got a tiny digital camera today. It's tiny. If I had a second tiny camera, I'd take a picture of the tiny camera, just to show its tinyness. Until then, just picture a matchbook with a lens attachment.

My problem with Beat the Geeks is: The non-geek questions are too easy, and the geek questions are too easy, as well. Is there a Beat the Geeks: Premium Challenge? Can I have the geeks think up their hardest questions to have me answer? Can we do that while drinking heavily? And at the end can I make out with Eric from Head of the Class? That seems like a lot more fun.

I should probably stop threatening to stab people.

One time I drained all the blue goo out of my Magic 8 Ball to try and crack it open and get the answer die inside. Turns out you can't crack a Magic 8 Ball easily. I thought it'd be more fun to roll the answers instead of waiting for them to float up to the viewing window. Turns out it was more fun to get blue goo all over my mother's countertops.

As Limp Bizkit begins a cover of "Behind Blue Eyes" at a concert in Schenectady, N.Y., an enormous rectum appears in the sky and buries Fred Durst in a steaming mound of dung. By the time a rescue crew digs him out, Durst is dead from suffocation. In an interview with Larry King, God says, "Look, I really like that song, but I wasn't about to waste a lightning bolt on that putz."

-- Magnet Magazine Issue #62, "The Back Page."

Who wants to buy an island and name it "Cunnilingus"?

I just want to say "Welcome to Cunnilingus!"

And print it on t-shirts.

And make postcards that say "I'm loving Cunnilingus!"

It's a good thing I don't carry a knife, because I would most definitely have stabbed several people today.

First would be the Secretary of State's office. The whole office. I would have just stabbed the entire building. First they skip over my number. Then when they call the number after mine, I go up to the desk and say "You didn't call #27. I'm #27. I would like to be served first, please." Which elicited a number of disgusted looks.

Then, I'm told I can't get a title for my car. You got that? When last we left our heroine, her Evil Old Bank / Current Lien Holder would not give her the Michigan Title to her car. She claimed they had the original and they claimed they did not.

After searching my house over the entire weekend for a title (and finding none,) I decide to pay the money to have a new title issued.

Guess what! Ha ha! This is a funny story! Apparently I don't have a Michigan title! Funny! Because I have a receipt of application from the dealership IN MICHIGAN where I bought the car for a title to be issued IN MICHIGAN but apparently that title went "POOF!" and somehow AAA of California got a title issued for my car in CALIFORNIA!

Hooray! Even though I never once set foot into a California Secretary of State's office, somehow I've got a title there... and the best part is! Apparently it's been CANCELLED.

So now I have no title in either state and I can't get one in Michigan. Exasperated, I visited my Current Bank. The woman I've been dealing with for two days called in sick, and for some reason they only have ONE service representative to help me. A nice boy, very cute, but also clueless as to title law... so he tells me to call the Evil Bank and ask them what's going on. Apparently if a title was issued in California, it is in their best interest to find out how that happened, as Michigan is not a "title bearing state", so if the title is in California, my Lien Holder doesn't actually even own my car!

HAHA! Are you laughing yet? BECAUSE I AM! HOO BOY! HOW FUNNY! I'VE BEEN PAYING THIS EVIL BANK FOR THREE YEARS ON A CAR THAT NO ONE OWNS!

So I call the Evil Bank. I demand they go and actually look in my file for any sort of actual title, even though, last time I asked, they said they didn't have it. (Though I know they didn't really look in my actual file, they just said "we don't have it, we have a copy.")

So guess what?! They go and look in the actual file, and LOW AND MOTHER FUCKING BEHOLD, there is the actual title to my car... but... but... IT'S FROM CALIFORNIA.

What in the BLUE HOLY FUCK is going on?!?!?!?!? I re-registered my car in California, I did not RE-TITLE it, for fuck's sake.

The Evil Bank says it can't release the title for transfer to Michigan until the loan is paid off. My Current Bank says that it can't pay off my loan without a title. I'm ready to drive the car into the nearest river and change my name. I cannot believe that this truck is causing me so much grief. I DON'T EVEN DRIVE THE GODDAMNED THING!

I am currently awaiting the Evil Bank to return my phone call, to see if the Great Car Title Standoff Naught Four is going to come to blows when I tell them they better fax a goddamn copy of the title to my Bank before heads roll.

STABBY STAB!

South Korea is impeaching their president, and I am currently watching video of the members of Parliament beat the shit out of each other like it's a soccer brawl. It's complete pandemonium. I've never seen goverment officials act like such hooligans. And the best part is, in true, male, drunken bar-brawl style, after the fight broke up, they put their arms around each other and sang.

Also:

A man protesting the impeachment was arrested earlier today after trying to drive his car up the steps of the national assembly. He then set the car on fire, after unsuccessfully climbing the steps.

Well, yeah. Because if you can't drive into a building, you might as well burn shit.

Eckrich's Fat Free polish sausage has NO fat, and only 60 calories. Dude... sixty calories. There's more than that in a can of Coca-cola. Shit, there's more than that in a bath towel.

Every couple of weeks we have an impromptu chicken wing party at someone's house. It involves cases of beer and a migrating deep fryer. This week we decided to go all out and actually invite other people and call it "WingFest 2004!" in honor of a co-worker's birthday.

But when he didn't show up, we downgraded WingFest 2004 to "PizzaRollShindig... March."

(He's the only one who knows how to make the chicken wings.)