Dear Keanu:

I don't know that ANYONE could convincingly play Buddha, but certainly you couldn't. I'll accept that you're the devil's son, that you're the computer Jesus, and even that you're a machinist who helps build water powered cars or some shit. But Buddha is a stretch, even for me.

It was truly an exercise in futility trying to watch this movie. The bad hair, the terrible "blackface," and let us not overlook your struggle with accents. Holy hell, let us not forget.