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Dear Keanu:

I don't know that ANYONE could convincingly play Buddha, but certainly you couldn't. I'll accept that you're the devil's son, that you're the computer Jesus, and even that you're a machinist who helps build water powered cars or some shit. But Buddha is a stretch, even for me.

It was truly an exercise in futility trying to watch this movie. The bad hair, the terrible "blackface," and let us not overlook your struggle with accents. Holy hell, let us not forget.

"But we must never forget that the real news is on local TV, delivered by real officially licensed newsmen like me, Kent Brockman. Coming up, how DO they get those dogs to talk on the beer commercials? Cowboy Steve will tell you!"

"I'm Kent Brockman, on the eleven o'clock news tonight: A certain type of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Sunny Storm."

So, am I the only one who thought Jason Mraz was Casey Affleck in a goofy hat?

Okay, maybe they're different guys. But I will never forgive Jason Mraz for that fucking "Remedy" song. And the new song? With the Cop Rock video? You know, the bank robbery in which police officers dance around and Jason wears yet another funny hat? That video blows.

I've decided that I might have to start writing important information on post-it notes and sticking them to the tops of my breasts, in order to convey pertinent details.

For the future, no one send me this shit. I'm only answering the questions I have jokes for.

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?

Everywhere.

22. FAVORITE HOBBY?

Sam. No, Frodo. No, wait, the other two. The less whiny ones. Also, you spelled hobbit wrong.

30. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

Probably not me.

31. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

Didn't you just read #30? Jesus, you are one dumb bastard.

33. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?

Hey, what the hell happened to #32? Can't you count?

34. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Don't toy with me, I want to know why these questions are all misnumbered!

35. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?

Listen, I don't want to play Boggle with you. You apparently can't count, and no one wants to be stuck partnered with an illiterate douchebag during Yahtzee.

Science tells us drinking beer can prevent heart attack and stroke. Government research shows a good ale can be a healthy diversion.

Thanks, Science!

Today is just NOT a good day.

Someone is going to get punched today.

It just might be YOU.

(But probably, it will be... you.)