I heard a rumor that a friend of mine was bad in bed. I never understood HOW he could be so awful. I mean, what could he have POSSIBLY done THAT wrong to make it THAT awful?
Then I spent today helping him move furniture.
I have a pretty good idea of how awful he can be.
What the fuck is it, Cricket Mating Season? There's a hyperactive cricket in the bushes around our patio. He shrieks at a maddening pitch, as loud as he possibly can, at FOUR IN THE GODDAMN MORNING.
This new bra would fit perfectly if it weren't for two things:
1. - There's sewn-in padding in the left cup.
2. - There's sewn-in padding in the right cup.
Run! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! It's Godzilla boob!
I'm sorry. Can anyone take a hurricane seriously that's named "Fabian"?
"Everyone take some fashion cover from Hurricane Fabian... it's FAAAAAAbulous!"
Does it rain Pinot Grigio and hail rhinestones during Hurricane Fabulous?
little brother: i seen the best oymoron the other night
me: what's an "oymoron"?
me: a jewish idiot?
me: Stupid engineers. You can add but you can't read.
little brother: we take stupid classes too
little brother: my first year i took "fantasy and adventure" literatue
little brother: i was reading alice in wonderland and loin witch and the wardrobe
me: LOIN WITCH AND THE WARDROBE.... HAHAHAHAHA... it's the homoerotic haut couture version of the wizard of oz!
HURRY THE FUCK UP! Stop driving like you just went shopping at Value City! Granted, I realize most of you HAVE just shopped at Value City, and are stunned into slowness from the great deals and fantastic bargains had by all, but SPEED IT UP, OLDIE! I cannot merge left because THERE IS A CAR THERE! I cannot slow down because I AM BEING TAILGATED! 496 is BUSY right there, so you HAVE TO GO FASTER! FASTER!!
Today I made a variety of arrogant statements on the way to the golf course. Which led my golf partners to believe that I was any good at golf. Then I teed off on the first hole and hit the ball ten yards into a tree. Then ten yards into another tree. Then it was completely off the first fairway all together and onto another hole. My golf partners were stunned.
"If you confuse my arrogance for skill," I said, "then you will win."
Cameraperson: Hey... who's on prompter?
Director: Uhh... It's supposed to be... Intern.
Cameraperson: "Intern"?? Which intern?
Director: Uhm. The curly haired one. Smells like cotton candy.