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If you're drunk and you can't find the milk, take a can of Redi-Whip, and make the BEST FUCKING PANCAKES IN THE WORLD.

Babes, Boobs, Bikinis. `Splosions, Guns, Demi Moore.

Man. Demi fuckin' Moore. She was kind of hot, until the unflattering closeups on her lack of an upper lip.

Reese Witherspoon's yap never closed and there was something about dogs. There was also enough pink to choke a horse. This was no Legally Blonde 1, I'll tell you that. Damn sequels.

Brrrrinnnng! Brrrrinnnng!

"Hello?"

"Good afternoon! Welcome to MovieCall!, where the movies come to you!"

"Uhm, what?"

"MovieCall! calls YOU to let YOU know about ALL the NEWEST MOVIES coming SOON to a theater near YOU!"

"Uh, okay. So, what's n---"

"MovieCall! is excited to let YOU know of the NEWEST ADVENTURE in historical literature!! The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!!"

"Oh. That sounds neat. What's it a---"

"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! brings some of the MOST FAMOUS names in fiction together on ONE screen, for a rip-roaring, sword rattling, guns blazing, action-packed SEXTRAVAGANZA!"

"Famous names in fiction? Like Huckleberry Fi---"

"That's, right, THE LEAGUE is DR. JEKYLL! TOM SAWYER! THE INVISIBLE MAN! DRACULA'S BRIDE! DORIAN GRAY!"

"What? Who? Dracula's what? I don't understand how they all could be---"

"SIT at the EDGE of your seats as THE LEAGUE battles beasts of UNIMAGINEABLE HORROR, in daring fights of FURY and RAGE! Machine guns BLASTING, super race cars REVVING---"

"If Tom Sawyer is in it, how are there machine guns and super cars---"

"Then watch as SEAN CONNERY leads them all to VICTORY and SAVES THE WORL---"

Click.

"....Hello? Hello? MovieCall is insulted! Hello?..."

"I'm making cheesy beer marinated bratwurst for dinner. So I smell like beer, onions, cheese, and sausage."

"Wow, are you trying to seduce me?"

Today I went to the mall. This was a mistake. But it made me realize something about the mall: I never want to ever have to go there ever again. Ever.