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Sometimes, I wish I could identify bird specie by the songs they sing. That way, when there's a robin, or a sparrow, warbling outside my window at five a.m., I can yell: "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, SPARROW!", instead of just "YOU'RE DEAD, BIRD!!!"

That way, the sparrows will always know I'm talking to them, and not some other bird.

Don't do it. You'll never forgive yourself for watching this.

If you're going to get drunk, then smoke a bunch of pot and punch your hand through a plate glass window, please be of sound mind enough to have me around to dress the wounds with a couple of maxi pads and some scotch tape.

::ring ring::

"Hello. Gabriel Byrne speaking."

"Hey, Gabe, it's your agent. Look, I know this assistant casting director for some thing with FOX, I think it was 'Paradise Hotel', but maybe it was 'Married By A Midget' or 'Bowling for Coffee' or something..."

"I don't want to be on 'Married By A Midget.'"

"AH! Here's her number. Say the word, buddy, and I'll get you some quality reality show screen time."

"NO GOOD! I HATE MIDGETS! What else have you got for me?"

"A Stallone flick. About poker. It's bound to be good, Melanie Griffith is already on board as the love interest."

"Fine, whatever. No midgets."

Completely by accident, I created a new swear. Damb It's for comparing someone to a possessed baby sheep.